无关风月
来源:现在读书> 读书频道 > 女性 作者:六六 2013年09月
Hey,Buddy!
你说你要来看我,临时起意,已经开始在携程上查机票,问我是虹桥便利还是浦东国际便利。
我在刚才的短信里,还嬉笑着说好啊,来啊,我去接你。发现你认真订票的时候,突然正经问起来,问你,你先说,你什么时候到。
你说了你的时间表,我沉默很久,回你说,我在剧组。
说这句话的时候,心如刀绞,不仅仅是对你的抱歉,还是对自己无法承受浪漫邀约的懊恼。要知道,我是一个作家,作家的定义,应该是拎着背包就走,徒步天涯海角,哪有什么工作牵绊,随处走一地儿,坐下来就开始信笔妖娆。
我,辜负了作家这个浪漫的称号。
如果给我一个评语,最中肯的应该是脚踏实地。
风花雪月那些浪漫的事,与我有很大的差距。
第一次拒绝我心仪的邀约,与男人,那是我在新加坡当教师的时候,无论多动心,多想去单颠,掐指一算,那时候,孩子们正值中考,在喜欢与责任之间,我选择了后者。
现在,大约就能解释,为什么这么多年来,我没什么花花草草;现在,大约能解释,为什么这么多年来,我一路走高。
在契约和责任面前,我把自我隐藏到谦卑,到渺校
我的心,你能想到有多狂野,就有多狂野。我的理想,就是像李安一样,一路兢兢业业勤勤恳恳拍戏,直到有一天出人头地运筹帷幄,然后把内心饲养多年的野兽释放出来。他拍了《色戒》,而我打算自编自导——自演估计就没票房了——拍一部世界上最美最好最动人的色情电影。
舒淇,在她得金马奖影后那天,穿得美美的,手持奖杯,泪水流淌,她说:“我终于,把我脱掉的衣服,一件一件穿上了。”
而我,如果有可能,有一天,我会得诺贝尔文学奖,得奖作品,是那部融入了人性光辉与至美的性爱作品,我在诺贝尔领奖台上,穿着黑色的正装礼服,手持奖杯,泪水流淌,我说:“我终于,把穿上的衣服,一件一件脱掉了。”
我说真的,不开玩笑。这个场景,时常在我脑海中环绕。
我猜想,大约到八十岁,我都会讲这个段子,因为我没有实现的机会和可能。
我把该背负的,和不该背负的责任,一点一点揽在肩上,越背越沉,每增加一点负担,都是我甘愿的。
那天,你说了一段寓意深长的话,听者似懂非懂,我其实,当时,手里拿着笤帚,口里唤着孩子,耳朵上夹着手机,一心多用地半耳朵听一下,就明白你在说什么了。
你说的很多话,发的很多歌,贴的很多图,我并不需用心揣摩或者倾听,就能体会到你的感受。原因是,那些感受,我都曾有过,情多害死人。
你在草原上,在路上驰骋的时候,我的心突然就沸腾了,我能随之做的事情,就是冲进店里,选一辆最劲的越野车,擦得锃亮,时刻准备着上路,追随你拍摄的天空,和远处天际坠落的夕阳。
这和爱情无关,这是向往。你所做的,是我所向往的。
我一直向往,一直,什么都不做。
什么都做不了的忧伤,一如窗外下的暴雨。
上海,这鬼天气,这些天几乎天天下雨。
我却不烦躁,那些因雨而带来的烦恼,只因你像孩子般冲进雨中嬉戏的场景,就让我觉得很俏皮。
雨声,也错落有致地好听。
我在少女的时候,一无所有怕什么?
爱人在的时候就安营扎寨,生火做饭,缝洗浆补,成家立业。
我都不敢回头看曾经的足迹,世界各地都要有我的家业,我把所有不毛之地,经营成锦绣繁华。
再看看自己,已然中年。
我从候鸟的大雁,变成不飞的母鸭。
走不动了,身边,全是亲的爱的需要照顾的需要关切的妇孺老小,工作伙伴,团结朋友,一切一切。
我甚至,不敢埋怨,不敢偷懒。因为他们,每一个,都是我选的,我爱的。我唯一能做的,就是忘我,然后奉献。
如果有一把刀,切开我的腠理,你会发现,每一根骨头,每一根血管,每一寸肌肤,写的都是大爱、关怀、责任。
这把刀,是我的私情,是心底深处羞愧的小爱。
不敢结识新朋友了,不敢接受新任务了,不敢背负新责任了,我怕自己情感太多承诺太多忙不过来。
所以现在,最大的好处是,如果应允了,如果甘愿了,我会终生守信,我有这个能力,让每一句承诺都不轻飘。
害怕,内心里不确定,我未来还会有多少借口违背自我。
你来了,我在哪儿?
(本文选自由长江文艺出版社出版的《女不强大天不容》)
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