让你的孩子从‘拒绝’到‘合作’Getting your child from 'NO' to 'YES'

正在学习中，推荐一下，

Getting Your Child from 'No' to 'YES, without nagging, bribing, or threatening

Ierry Wyckoff, Ph.D. and Barbara C. Unell   Authors of Discipline without shouting or spanking

很实用。具体要10大方面, 65个具体问题。大家感兴趣，我有时间就贴。

Section 1                 Going Places  (The way is long-let us go together. The way is difficult-let us help each other. The way is joyful-let us share it. The way is ours alone-let us go in love.) (Joyce Hunter)



Chapter One



"It's time to go now."  "No! I don't wanna go now!"

“现在我们要离开了”  “不，我现在不想走！’

1.  Giving direction, say, "It's going to be time to go in five minutes. let's start picking thing up now."         

Pleasantly reminding your child of the departure routine lets her finish her activites and prepare for the change that's about to take place.

给出具体指示法，可以说，‘还有5分钟就要回家了，现在我们就开始准备吧。’

在孩子快要离开前，愉快得提醒她，让她有时间完成正在干的事，并对马上要发生的事有心里准备。



2. use empathy, Say, "I understand that you don't want to leave now., but sometimes we have to do things we don't like."

Putting yourself in your child's shoes validates her feelings and helps elicit her cooperation. It also lets you keep your goals in mind: staying on schedule and teaching her to cope with disappointment.

支持同情法，可以说，‘我很理解你现在还不想离开，但是，有时候，我们必须做我们不喜欢做的事。”

把你放在你孩子的角度去体会她的想法能让她更好地合作。也能让你记住你的目标：按计划做事和教育孩子如何对待失望。



3. Play a gmae, Say, " I'm going to count to ten. Let's see if you can get your jacket on before I get there. Ready? One, two...."

Defuse a potentially explosive situation by playing a fun-loving game. This will shift your child's focus from resistance to competition and get her moving in the direction you want. If your child doesn't finish by the count of then, say, "I'm sorry you didn't make it in time. I'll help you put your coat on now,. When we get home, we'll practice playing the game. Then you'll be able to do what I ask by the time I finish counting."

游戏法，可以说，“我要从一数到十了，看看你能不能在我数到十之前穿好外套。准备好了吗？开始，1, 2。。。”

采用玩个有趣的爱心游戏可以化解潜在的（孩子）乱发脾气的状况。还可以把孩子的注意力从抵抗到竞争，并使之沿着你想要的方向走。

如果当你数到十，你的孩子还没有做完，你可以说，“很抱歉，你这次没能赢。现在我来帮你穿好衣服。回家后，我们还可以再玩这个游戏，这样，下次，我数到十时，你就能完成我所要求的事了。”



4. Use a positive consequence. Say, "Getting ready to go when it's time means that we can come back soon."

This tells your child that her cooperations is the key to gtting to do what she wants in the future, an important first step in teaching her to delay gratification and tolerate temporary frustration.

憧憬美好未来发，可以说， “到时间了我们就要离开，这样，以后我们还可以再来（玩）。”

这是告诉你的孩子，如果他以后还想来（玩），合作是很关键的。这也是教他延迟欲望和容忍暂时的不快。

我自己乱翻译的， 

希望更多人受益。

也希望高人指教，提高。

不错，就是不知道实用效果如何。谢谢。

太感兴趣了！俺家老大就是凡事都说NO 的主，软的，硬的，哄骗，吓唬，奖励，棒打。。。。。。啥招都用过，奏是不好使，正愁得头痛呢，及时雨啊      

功德无量的好事，加油



将来考虑出版一本翻译过来的中文书

我以前的老板买断普渡大学儿童发展中心出版的《GROWING CHILD》的中文月刊发行的版权， 并把它翻译成了中文。现在在美国和台湾都有出售， 书名翻译成了《教子有方》。这套书的理念非常合理，非常人性化，也给家长提供了很多的REDIRECT和适时，适度，适宜地对孩子进行启发式教育的范本，我个人从中受益匪浅。

WENWENDYWEN介绍的文章也非常及时，上面这些都是千锤百炼，行之有效的一些办法和理念， 绝大多数情况下会有帮助， 但是，孩子是各个不同的， 有些小孩在一定的情形下，不管什么办法都是无效的。你们可能想不到，我会试着慢慢给大家介绍。

学习中……             

Chapter two



"Please get in the car."  "No! I don't wanna get in the car!"


1. Giving choices, Say, " You can choose to get in the car and have fun, or you can get in the car and be miserable. You decide."

Helping him see the situation as his choice teachs him that he can decide how he wants to feel and helps him practice coping with things he doesn't like.

给出选择，可以说， “你可以选择开开心心地坐上车，也可以选择可怜的很不情愿地坐上车，你自己决定”。

帮孩子意识到这种情况，他的选择可以让他决定他的心情并且帮他练习处理他不喜欢做的事情。



2. Make a deal, Say, " When you're in your car seat and buckled up, then we can play your favorite songs and sing along. That's a hapy thing to do in the car."

Using Grandma's Rule teaches your child that he can have control and follow directions at the same time. When he cooperates, he gets to do enjoyable thing.





3. Ask Qestions, Say, "I understand that you don't want to get in the car, but i don't know why, can you tell me?"

Asking your child to tell you why he's refusing to cooperate gives hime a chance to describe a problem you may not be aware of, such as not being able to see out the window or having an upset tummy. It also tells him that you care about his opinions and that you''re glad he's willing to express them. When you discover the problem, you can address it instaead of fucusing on his diobedience.



4. Be positive, Say, "I know you don't want to get in the car, but i need to get to work and you need to go to daycare. When your;re in and buckled up, you can play with the special toys we keep in the car."

Help your child understand that some requesests are nonegotiable, but the tasks can still be fun. Special toys and gooks in the car provide positive incentives for him to cooperate.



Chapter Three



"Please sit in your car seat."  "NO! I don't wanna sit in my car seat!"



1. Aske questions, Say, "What don't you like about sitting in your car seat?"



Asking your child to tell you her reasons for refusing to sit in her car seat validates her feelings and teaches her to be empathetic. You may discover that she likes to see out the woindow but the car seat sits too low for her to do so, or that her car-seat buckle pinches her when you turn corners. You can correct these problems so she rides more comfortably.



2. Remind her about the rule. Say, "Sitting in your car seat is the rule. The car can move only when you follow the car-seat rule."

Putting the rule in charge places you and your child on the same team, thereby reducing the chance that your child will fight with you and reinforcing the important lesson that rules govern our lives.



3. Use praise, Say, "Thank you for getting in your car seat so nicely. I appreciate your cooperation."

Praising your child's behavior teaches her that cooperation results in positive attention, something that motivates us all.



4. Make a deal. Say, "When you sit in your car seat, we'll play the musice you like."\

The example of Grandma's Rule shows her that cooperation will generate cpositive consequences for everyone involved.



Chapter Four



"Please get out of the car now."  "NO! I don't wanna get out of the car!"



1. Giving choices, Say, "Do you want to get of the car by yourself or do you want me to help you out? you decide."

Giving your child choices lets him pratice making decisions and gives him a sense of power and control, two important motivators.



2. Make a deal, say, "When you ge out of the car, we can get our shopping done and get baack home so you can play."

Showing your child the long-term benefits of his decision can motivate him to endure the short-term frustration. In addition, this strtegy teaches your child to respect the win-win methodl of decision making.



3. Use incentive, Say. "you're such a good helper when we're in the store. Let's get out of the car so you can help me shop. "

Giving your child immediate incentives to do what you've asked can motivate him to cooperate. Telling him that your values his help increases his desire to follow your lead.



4. Invite feedback, SAy "Help me understand why you don't wan tto get out of the car. if htere's a problem, i'd like to help fix it.'

Asking your child for feedback tells him that the situation isn't a crisis and that you care about his feelings-two good reson for him to trust you. He may frea strangers or riding in the grocery cart. or he may owrry about walking on the prking lot's hot asphalt.





Chapter Five



"Let's get in the elevator (or on the escalator)."    "NO! I don't wann get in the elevator!"



1. Offer solutions, Say, "I understantd that you don't wan tto ride the elevator. We can take the stairs and maybe try the elevator next time."

Showing empathy for your child's feelings will help her feel safe in your presence, which will help bolster her confidence for future excursions, Suggestion possible solutions gives her proactive ways of handling the fear.



2. Be positive, Say, "I know the elevaor was scary before, but you're much braver and stronger now. I think you can handle it, if you want."

Validating your child's strength will help her feel your support and will encourage her to overcome her fears.



3. Make it fun, SAy, "I'll hold you in my arms while we're in the elevator, so you'll feel safe. I like the feeling in my tummy when the elevator goes up and down. It's kind of exacting."

Helping your child lable her fear as exactment lets her accept and even enjoy the feelings she feared before, as she reframes her experinence.



4. Show her othe roption, Say, "Using the staires will be good exercise for us until you feel okay about using the escalator. maybe next time we can try the escalator and see how fast we can get to the top."

Showing the child othe roptions prevents her from feeling trapped. Doing so also teacher her to weigh the costs and benefits of each option, which is good practice in decision making.

这周末过的，更忙了。。。

      没时间翻译了，先上英文吧。。

请继续翻译，这么好的内容不让Chinese看懂太可惜了。我以为翻的好坏没关系，能懂就行。

记得孩子小的时候，我采用的是看时间的做法。给她看钟表，告诉还有5（10）分钟，指针到哪儿了我们就该干什么了，一般都不太麻烦。如果延时了，要么商量好还要几分钟（一般会在情绪好的情况下做），要么做大人的抬腿就走（耍赖的情况下），慢慢孩子会感到自己是弱势，合作就多些。当然孩子是我们自己带大的，没有老人家说情也是有利因素。

谢谢大家的鼓励和支持。我中文写得很慢。。。翻译水平也不好。。。大家慢慢的看吧。。

I 'll try my best when I get time....

Helpful ways to motivate children


Children’s natural empathy needs a loving, nurturing environment in which to emerge and thrive. Therefore, parents need to become empathetic, teaching parents who work with their child to follow the rules they’ve established. Children learn to care for others by being cared for themselves, and they learn to respect others by being respected themselves. Parents can build their child’s trust by helping him learn to make decisions, follow the rules, and accept the consequences of his choices. The positive techniques described below will help parents model patience and self-control as they deal with the daily challenges of motivating their child from no to yes.






Empathize. Show your child that you empathize with his concerns. This validates him and tells him that you respect his opinions, which in turn motivates him to cooperate as part of your team. If you repeatedly scold, find fault, complain, blame, label, and guilt-trip your child, he’ll tune you out and learn to use these hurtful tactics to other people.



理解：让孩子知道你理解他的处境。这是支持和告诉他你尊重他的想法，这样也会使他转为更合作。如果你总是责备，挑错，埋怨，归咎，那么他将会用这些伤人的招数去对待别人。




Make a deal using Grandma’s Rule. Grandma’s Rule says, “When you’ve done what I’ve asked you to do, then you’re free to do what you want to do.” This peaceful solution to parent-child conflicts teaches your child the value of meeting his responsibilities before doing what he wants. It gives him practice in delaying gratification and tolerating frustration. It helps him develop the internal motivation to get his work done before enjoying his fun. The ultimate benefit of Grandma’s Rule is teaching your child the win-win, team approach to meeting everyone’s agenda.

      Bribery, on the other hand, tells your child, “if you do what I ask, then I’ll give you a special prize.” It teaches him to hold out for a tangible payoff before cooperating. Once he learns that his cooperation can be bought and sold on the open market, his motivation remains external and totally dependent on the size of the payoff he can receive.



采用祖母规则－协定法：祖母规则是，‘当你做完我要你做的事情后，你就可以去做你自己想做的事情。”这种和平解决父母和孩子冲突的方法教会你的孩子意识到，在做他想要做的事情之前，达到他的责任的重要性。这也是让他练习延迟欲望和容忍不满。帮助他发展在享乐之前把工作完成的内在驱动力。祖母规则的最终目的是教会你的孩子一种完成每个人的计划的双赢的群队方法。



相反，贿赂是告诉你的孩子，“如果你照我要求的去做，我就会给你特别的奖励。” 这是教会他一个实在的奖品支撑他到合作。一旦他意识到他的合作是可以公然买卖，他的驱动力是外在的，而且是完全与他所要得到的奖励大小相关。




Teach by giving choices. When you give your child choices, he practices his decision-making skills. For example, you might say, “You can play nicely with your sister, or you can play by yourself. You choose.” This motivates him to play nicely with his sister in order to remain in her company (something he dearly wants to do).

          On the other hand, intimidating your child by threatening to punish him when he doesn’t listen tells him that he has no choice in the matter. Because he hasn’t been given any say in what happens, his anger, resentment, and reluctance to cooperate will increase—the opposite of what you want. Threats lead to fear, and fear motivated your child to escape or rebel rather than cooperate.

      Threats also put you in a difficult position. If your child doesn’t comply, you’re forced to follow through with a punishment that damages your child and your relationship with him; if you don’t follow through, your credibility is destroyed. When your child discovers that your threat was empty, he’ll no longer believe that you mean what you say. He’ll replace his fear of punishment with a fear that nothing is as it seems. It’s best to avoid these consequences by avoiding threats



给出选择：但你给你的孩子选择时，也锻炼了他的决策能力。例如，你可以说，“你可以选择好好地和你妹妹玩，也可以自己一个人玩，你自己决定。”这是告诉他如果他想有个伙伴一起玩（有时，他是十分想有伴玩），就要好好地和妹妹玩。

    相反，如果你威胁你的孩子，如果他不听你的，就没有除了接受惩罚没有别的选择。因为他对要发生的事情没有被告知别的说法，他的愤怒，不满，不愿合作的想法就会增长，这是你所不希望的。威胁会导致害怕，害怕会让你的孩子逃离，反抗而不是合作。

      威胁也让你处于不利的处境。如果你的孩子不服从，你就会被迫做出惩罚，这会伤害孩子，还有你和孩子的关系。如果你不照你所威胁的去做，你的信誉受到破坏。当孩子发现你的威胁是空的时，他就不会相信你所说的。他对惩罚的害怕会转换成对事情不确定的害怕。这个后果最好一定要避免。

         

非常实用，收藏，谢谢了！

呵呵，我也收藏。  

Cleanup Routines  日常的整洁清理



32. “Please clean up your toys.”                “No! I don’t wanna clean up!”

请收拾好你的玩具。           不，我不想收拾！


Helpful Hints      * Encourage your child’s cleanup habit by establishing a simple rule: Before getting out another toy, you must put away the one you’re playing with.



× 有用的小策略：  *建立简单的规则来鼓励孩子的整洁清理习惯：在玩另外的玩具前，必须收拾好正在玩的玩具！




Make it easy for your child to pick up his things so he’ll be more inclined to follow the rule. Fox example, set up low-level shelves and bins for easy storage.


让孩子收拾整理东西更容易，这样他会更愿意遵守规则。例如，用一些矮一点的架子和存贮框。




Include your child in family cleanup routines so he can learn by watching and doing.
让孩子参与家里的日常清洁整理中，让他通过看和做来学习。




Consider limiting the number of toys available to your child by dividing his toys into four groups and putting away all but one group. At the end of the week, put away that group and get another one out for the next week.
考虑限制孩子一次可玩的玩具的数目，可以把玩具分成4组，留下一组，收好别的组的玩具。一星期后换另一组。




1)  Don’t nag. Don’t say, “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your clothes?”

No one wants to be around a nag. Nagging only teaches your child to tune you out and to use nagging to motivate others. It doesn’t teach him to value neatness or show him how to accomplish it.



不要唠叨，不要说，“我都和你讲了多少次了，要收拾好你的衣服？”

没有人想听唠叨。唠叨只会让孩子远离你和让他也学会唠叨别人。唠叨不会教会孩子整洁的重要性和教他如何去收拾整洁。




Instead, remind him about the rule. Say, “Remember, the rule says you can get out another toy when you’ve put away the one you’re finished with.”



取而代之的是提醒他规则， 说，“记住，我们的规则是，当你要玩新的玩具时，你必须收拾好正在玩的玩具。



Gently reminding your child of the rule teaches him much more than cooperation: It teaches him that organization and order are important. In addition, when you set rules to encourage your child to cooperate, you give him practice in how the world works. Following rules is common: obeying traffic lights, paying for what you buy, and so on. It’s never too early to begin practicing.



轻轻地提醒孩子收拾的规则不仅仅教会他合作：还告诉他整洁有序的重要性。另外，在你制定规则让孩子合作时，你也教会孩子适应现实世界。遵守规则十分普遍：遵守交通灯，买东西付钱等等。这些最好早早地开始练习。




2)  Don’t threaten. Don’t say, “If you don’t put away your toys, I’ll just throw them in the trash.”

Telling your child that you’ll throw away his toys if he doesn’t comply means you’ll have to follow through if he calls your bluff-a costly consequence for both of you. Plus, it wont’ teach him how to pick up after himself.








不要威胁，不要说， ”如果你不收拾玩具。我就把它们丢进垃圾堆。“

告诉孩子，当他不服从时，你要把玩具丢掉，这意味着你必须这么做，否则他会说你吹牛。这对你们二来说都是昂贵的结果。而且，这样，还是不会教会孩子玩完后收拾。



Instead, make it a game. Say, “Let’s set the timer and see if we can finish cleaning up before it rings.”





取而代之的是采用游戏法，说，“让我们定个闹钟看我们能不能在铃响之前收拾好！”



Using a timer puts it—not you—in control. Working together reinforces the values of teamwork and gives you the opportunity to praise your child’s effort.



用闹钟而不是你来控制。一起收拾加强团队意识，也给你机会去表扬孩子所作出的努力。




3) Don’t label. Don’t say, “No wonder you can’t pick up after yourself. You’re a slob just like your mother.”

Avoid hurtful words. They’re never worth the pain they cause, and they only serve to create more conflict. In addition, labeling your child a slob may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.



不要（给孩子）定性， 不要说，“难怪你玩完后不收拾，你就象你妈妈一样得懒散。” 避免使用伤害的言语。它们的效果远远弥补不了它所造成得伤害，它们只会制造更多的从突。而且，给孩子定性，孩子可能自己真的实现你的预言。




Instead, empathize. Say, “I know it’s hard to clean up when you want to keep playing. I understand how you feel.”

If you’re a little “cleaning challenged” yourself, admitting this flaw to  your child will show empathy for his situation and will help you work together to tackle the job.



取而代之是理解，说，“我知道在你还在玩的时候要收拾是很难的。我理解你的感受。”

如果你自己也会有一点觉得‘收拾麻烦’，跟孩子承认这个缺点，告诉他你理解他的处境会帮助你一起解决问题。




4) Don’t bribe. Don’t say, “If you clean up, I’ll buy you some more toys.”

Bribing your child doesn’t teach him the skill you want him to learn, and it doesn’t help him develop a healthy attitude toward organization and tidiness. Instead, it teaches him that his cooperation is for sale, and he an hold out for the highest price.



不要贿赂，不要说，‘如果你收拾好，我就给你买新玩具“

贿赂孩子并没有教会他你希望他学的技巧。也没有帮助他培养一种整洁有序的良好态度。相反，贿赂教会他合作是可以买卖的，他就会把’合作‘抬成最高价。






Instead, make a deal. Say, “When we get all your toys picked up and put away, then we can play a game together.”

Use Grandma’s Rule to teach your child that meeting your agenda helps him meet his agenda.



取而代之是协议法，说，“我们收拾好玩具后，我们就可以一起玩游戏了。”

采用祖母规则教会孩子要做他想做的事，就必须先完成你的事情。

好辛苦呀，我！

就翻译一个方面的一个小问题要化2个小时。。

共有10大方面，65个小的问题说。

我拼音差，常常找不到我想要敲打的字。。。 好慢。。。着急。


大家不要着急，我争取一周 1-2 个问题的上。。。

我先找些适合中国国情的先翻， 象前面的‘记安全带’什么的，以后在翻。。