无胆英雄
2008年08月17日
抱歉,N久没更新博客。因为去住院开刀了,胆囊摘除。现在已无大碍。
胆囊炎发作,现在追溯起来,应该在偶得才几个月的时候,当时以为胃疼,去新加坡的CLINIC里要了些胃药,主要是初发时期,情况不甚严重。
第一次真正要命的发作是去年在巴黎,孤独一人,在陌生地方打滚,叫了急救车,被拖到医院里拍片子吊水消炎,而那日的中午,我要乘飞机回国。医生并未确诊,只说有可能是肾结石或者胆结石。
到了中国就直奔医院,医院立刻确诊是胆结石。自此三天两头发作。本来医生跟我说,入秋就切除吧!留着反而是隐患,有可能拖累胰脏。我总是不肯。
我想,我内心有固执的原配情结,我总觉得发乃受之于父母,头发却不能不剪不做,虽然我很想像先人那样头顶盘个髻子,发间穿一根竹筷。所以,我首先就背叛了父母。现在又要到了我休掉原配的时刻,我内心的不忍与不决,不为外人所道。
我更多时候倾向于忍。即使很多人告诉我,它可能危及你未来的生命,即使帕瓦罗蒂因胰腺癌临死前身形瘦了一半,只要在发作来临前的那一刻,只要我大部分时间都是舒坦的,我依旧不舍割弃。我觉得自己像一只愚蠢的鸵鸟,固执地将头埋在沙里,只留个大屁股在荒原。
然后,频繁发作,已经到了不能吃晚餐的程度,不见荤腥。同志们说我瘦了,有人还评论是情感的折磨。其实,任何一种折磨,到了后期,就成了习惯了,你不会觉得痛,坦然受之。真正让你能瘦的,还是不吃肉。
我熬不到秋天了。在某月几乎每周去吊一两次水,打三四针镇痛剂以后,我慌乱跟医生打电话,不要秋后了吧!就现在。
医生看了我的B超图,很认真地通知我:你不一定能做得了腹腔镜,你的胆囊萎缩得厉害。我们尽力,不行的话,就切腹。你的肚子上将留一道10-15公分长的刀疤。
好吧!刀疤就刀疤吧!长痛不如短痛,我的心上已经刀疤密布,不介意我的肚皮再多一道伤口。而且,我也不打算在未来的日子里,把自己的身体向谁展览了。尽管我一直希望自己要是好不容易瘦下来,就堪比芙蓉,打算扭个裸体大S展示于众。我始终挺敬佩芙蓉姐姐的,因为我没有她的勇气。我总不如她自信,无论在任何时候。即使我在十六的韶华年纪,我也不敢对着镜子欣赏自己的裸体,尽管现在回想起来懊恼无限。我从没有觉得阿娇张柏芝多么下流,却不停唏嘘,我要有她们那么曼妙的身材,我都不用电脑盗窃,直接就贴在博客上沾沾自喜。
我终于要把胆囊做掉了,要跟原配挥手说再见,虽然也许未来我不能吃肉,虽然未来我诚惶诚恐。肚子上又留一道疤,都千疮百孔了。彻底断了我也许有一天还可以展露婀娜的念想。
手术出乎意料地顺利,迷糊之间我就听医生拍着我的脸蛋说:“没开刀啊!打了三个洞。”狂喜。
三日之后我就自如了,因为酷暑,医生为保险起见,让我多留一日。
办出院手术那天,医生说,给你换个纱布,然后很粗鲁地将纱布一扯,带下一个棉球,痛得我跳脚!因为跟他很熟,开他玩笑,说他一点不温柔。他说,开刀的痛你都忍了,这些小痛却叽叽歪歪。
我在医务室里依旧叽叽歪歪,跟他说:医生是这样一种职业,刀开好了,那叫妙手回春,刀开坏了,那叫杀人灭口。我终于明白你们为什么要给病患上麻药了,主要就是不许呼救,禁止投诉。
他大笑。
术后恢复,我娘按惯例,禁止我吃荤腥,据说要保持三个月。日子寡味,了无生趣。
医生问我情况如何,我赶紧抱怨。谁知,医生说:“最新论调,胆囊手术后要多吃肉,刺激胆汁分泌,否则会一直拉肚子。因为那个储存胆汁的胆囊不见了。你拿着我的尚方宝剑赶紧开荤吧!”
天哪!居然还有这么美妙的事!我遵医嘱努力吃肉。我娘天天炖好吃的。今天是牛尾。
大快朵颐的刹那,我突然顿悟,胆囊的象征意义于我大于实际意义。身体上破了个大洞,仿佛如爱人从身边溜走。吃肉的刹那让我明白,一个爱人的离去,并不影响我对爱的追求。
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