不舍
Posted: 03-20-2007
下了很久的决心,总是犹豫不定。总是想反悔,具体表现在,人家合同都下来很久了,我老是鸡蛋里挑骨头,不愿意签。让人怀疑我压根不想提笔写东西。
我要回国了,开始过另一种生活,放弃我在这里打下的N年江山。
舍不得学生,舍不得孩子们,老觉得是自己把他们抛弃了,让他们变成浮萍在水面飘来飘去。
这个世界,显然浮萍孩子多得很,可我总是信心满满地以为,只要孩子们找到我,他们就有依靠了。可能是我太自信,也可能是我把全部的爱与热情都投注在这里。每天忙碌着上课,教孩子们读书认字,竟然这样过了青春的很多年。
然后有一天,我要换一种活法。被逼。
我被贼人架着刀子下水。
但我想,他们也许是对的,不到山穷水尽,我永远不知道自己的潜能。而我现在的工作与写作,已经不可能两头兼顾。每个人每年都替我把工作安排上。"今年,你要帮我完成一个电影""今年你要出一本关于这方面的书""今年你把你的这个小说改成电视剧……"如果你踏上这条道路,你就会明白这是一条流水线,你无法爱干就写两笔,不干就放弃。很多人等着开工,很多人等着上戏。
我不能赖别人,这也是我自己的选择。我一直期望过一种自由的生活,忙的时候忙,闲的时候四处游历。
今天晚上,我最终下了决心,把手头所有的学生交付出去。在交代的那一刻,我的心都被掏空了,小到孩子的学习习惯,需要催促还是恐吓还是利诱,我都一一写明。我怀疑接我课的老师一定觉得我很奇怪,不象是托付学生,却象是把心托付出去。
我一转身,就开始恨恨地想:"她肯定教不好我的孩子们!"
我对别人不信任。
即使别人是好老师,可我依旧不信任。我总觉得她们不会象我这样把全部的心用进去。教书于我,到最后已经纯粹是爱好了,只是享受与孩子们在一起聊天,督促他们做作业的乐趣。钱我已经不放在眼里。
劳工说我一个人发呆。
坐在家里咬指甲。
孩子们呀,要争气,不叫我挂心。
哭了。眼泪都止不住,一滴一滴。
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