护犊
下午从市区回来,正赶上下班高峰,首先是地铁里拥挤不堪,连个安全的扶手都没有,其次是坐在位子上的人都非常有经验地闭眼假寐,哪怕是坐在妇幼专座上的壮年男子。
我并不贪图那个位子,可我担心我肚子里的孩子。人潮这样汹涌,我怕在上下车之间人们奋不顾身地往门口拥的时候碰着我的肚子。我于是很可怜地一手死死圈住栏杆,并围到胸前,与另一只手牢牢地捧着肚子。
宝宝在里面很逍遥,我甚至可以想到他吮着手指闭着眼睛睡觉的样子。我希望周围的嘈杂小声些,再小些,不要惊动了宝宝的梦。
出了站台,随着人流往打卡处走,尽量靠边,倚着扶手,下楼梯的时候有种莫名的惊恐,生怕后头发生什么意外,大家一窝蜂地疯跑,然后如多米诺骨牌般层层叠加着摔倒,然后我的大肚子就咣铛应声倒地,一想到这些,冷汗直冒,并暗下决心,肚子越来越大了,以后要少出门。
我许多无谓的担心与软弱,都在有了儿子之后。甚至到菜市场都不敢看见活物待宰。今天恰巧看见阿平的文章杀生,心底一阵抽搐。
想想国内的日子很冷血。在菜市上买什么都要是活的,新鲜的。
鱼拎回家的时候嘴巴还一张一合,趁着他们扭动身体的时候,一剪刀下去开膛破肚,刚把水沥尽就要下油锅,有时候尾巴在油的劈啪声中还不停地颤抖,挣扎着要出去。
现在出国了,看到市场上的鱼都已经很安详地躺在冰块上,让你感觉不到呼吸了。于是可以放心带回家去。
我的心开始越来越柔软。若是将一只鲜活的咯咯叫的鸡放在我面前,指不定买回来养着了。就象我养着咪宝宝一样。她给我的快乐要多过我的付出。
小时侯母亲不许孩子们吃鱼子,说人一生吃的鸡鱼肉蛋数量是有限的,而一颗鱼子就代表一条小鱼,一顿吃一口,就把十年的定额给吃了。越是不允许,越是想吃,觉得鱼子是最美味的东西。
要做妈妈了,回想起来方觉很残酷。一条努力保护孩子的母鱼,身体笨拙,挺着大肚子,游也游不动,眼看着网落在眼前却逃不出,在落入船舱重重摔落的一刹那,还试图用短短的鳍捂着肚子。
如果鱼会说话,会说,吃了我吧,留下我的孩子。
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