我是个怀旧的人,深刻记得这题目,是因为N年前(N<=3),某个论坛的一个写手曾经用过这个题目,内容不记得了,而名字的震撼让我每每想起都心潮澎湃,大有一种壮士断腕,大江东去的悲怆。今天借来一用,送给告别青春的20岁年代。
跟网友聊天的时候,跟他说起家乡的美食,小时候的光景,爆米花的黑炉膛,捏糖人的艺人,从井里捞出的冰了一下午的西瓜透心凉,语气里不无怀念。他说,惊叹你超人的记忆力,甚至将自己两岁以前的故事娓娓道来——不过,你发现没有,你的文章回忆多过幻想,而且,大有越回忆越久远的势头,仿佛是越老的奶奶越记起童年的细节,而身边的手绢却总不记得放在哪里。
我听得出他的言下之意,他在说我老了,雄心壮志不再,却只提当年的勇,仿佛大半生走过,知了天命,无力回天。
我开始告诉他我这样走过我的梦想,而我的青春在理想的破灭中慢慢凋谢。
幼儿的时候,理想幼稚得可笑,到现在还和儿时的玩伴谈起,幼儿园时期的最大的愿望就是长大以后当售票员,坐在公共汽车上拿着一个小木匣子,将零角与纸币整理得干干净净,每卖一张票就将盒子打开合上,啪啪作响,口里乱喊,手里乱点:“你!你!买票!买票!”为此和小伙伴一起翻出个木盒子,自己做了一沓不同面值的车票,每天将板凳排好,轮流给小朋友们售票,轮得时间短了还哇哇大叫。那天和光屁股的小伙伴再谈起小时候的理想,俩人哈哈大笑,当年谁料到现在都无人售票了?幸好没有坚持自己的理想,不然现在就是下岗妇女了。
多亏老师的栽培,从小学起扭转了当售票员光荣的念头,按标准化操作,写了无数篇我的理想的文章,在文章里,我可以是医生,可以是教师,可以是科学家,不过可选项不多,老师圈定了知识就是力量的范围,我们只能在读书越多越有用的水池里游泳。老师们没有前瞻性,不晓得10几年后最时髦的职业是IT工程,不然我也能写一个超现实的理想,长大以后当个程序设计师。不过也对,这好比是传统工业对比现代产业,蓝筹股对科技版块,利润大的一定是风险大,选职业好比选劳工,最主要是一辈子的饭碗。
十几岁的时候是最斑斓的年代,我眼中的世界,我要它方它就方,我要它圆它就圆,我想要的,迟早会来到我的眼前。好象曾特地借了本书,把世界上尚存的年轻英俊王子或贵族排了个遍,自己掰着指头对比他们的家产,还有当地的风景和语言都要考虑一遍,不是王子要不要我,是我去不去他那里。好象曾经梦想过某阿拉伯王子用金丝包着头伸出3公斤重的钻石戒指的手要接我走,被我一口拒绝,说:“我骑不惯骆驼。”汗。。。。。。。
打破我梦想的是我14岁那年,12岁的伏明霞夺得跳台世界冠军,顿时有种人世沧桑的感觉,我老了,已经有新人走在我的前面,这世界,好象不是那么容易掌控的,有的丫头就比你成熟,比你幸运,比你提前一点点,占据了你心中的某个理想职业。
再后来,我的领地逐渐缩小,眼看着某得大奖的歌星小我两岁,某一炮走红的演员小我三岁,某钢琴家响誉世界的时候小我五岁,某小小神童画家在维也纳开画展的时候我才刚提笔开画水彩。重新调整目标,果真将自己局限在知识领域,多读书吧,剩下能玩儿的,也就是医生博士和教师了。
高考落榜,勉强进个学校,妈妈倒是满怀信心,说这次失误,不算,我们再复读一年!还给我买了一张去小针中学的车票,吓得我赶紧撕了票,跟妈妈讲,我刚把博士教师和医生从自己的职业栏里划去,书我是多一年都读不下去了。
从跨进大学校门的那一天起,我就开始忧心忡忡,想自己这辈子一定会有那么一天,会失业,会一无所有,会流落街头,会倒毙在寒风里,我开始有紧迫感。人家忙着读书的岁月,我都拿去幻想了。
现在,我已经不再幻想自己能有什么重大突破了,每天能让自己一想到就乐不可支的事情,就是一不小心买张彩票中个头奖,换房子,买汽车,躺在海边睡大觉,并且每天看报纸上登出的中奖号码和中奖金额都强烈不满——这号码怎么这么生僻?这奖金怎么这么少?头奖也就够我挥霍几年。
由儿时的梦想,通过努力改变命运而转变到今天的期待运气转变命运,这是多么快的衰老。
所有的玫瑰花,都枯掉。
只落下黯淡发黑的花瓣落满地毯。
费劲打扫。
“把梦想干掉,把现实留下”上的108条回复
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