我输了, 因为爱吧
夜里十点,进门第一句话,我就说:“猫猫吃了没有?”劳工先是摇摇头,然后有点懊丧地说:“除了猫以外,你就没什么可说的了?”我被迫追问一句:“你吃了没有?”劳工说,吃了。我说:“这就是区别,你能自己找吃的,他不能啊!”
猫猫还是一往情深地飞快迎上来,在我脚边婆娑着,亲吻着,蹭着,舔着,吻着我的脚,还非常柔顺地认出了我要换的鞋,跳上去试了试柔软程度,又很放心地走过来喵喵叫着:“安检通过。”
我的心都碎了,再也忍不住内心的怜惜,直冲到冰箱口,拉开冰箱,打开一盒崭新的罐头。猫猫将头迫不及待地伸进冰箱里,兴奋地叫着,那种期待的欢乐,我懂,我也曾经那样饿过,想吃,不能吃,靠毅力坚持着,待到开食的那一刻,有重生的喜悦。关门的时候,差点夹到他的脑袋,他都激动昏头了。
我将先前放在卡拉食阁里的保鲜膜连同上面的纹丝未动的鱼肉包裹起来扔进垃圾桶。又铺上新的保鲜膜,刚铺上去,卡拉的舌头就开始舔啊舔了,大约是条件反射。拿着卡拉专用的小勺儿,剜出一大坨他爱吃的鸡肉,听他贪婪的呼噜呼噜地非常没有礼貌的进食的声音,和一只手非常霸道地护着旁边还没来得及吃的肉,仿佛怕我抢的样子,摸摸他的背说:小可怜儿,慢点,慢点,别噎着。
至此,我彻底输了。
劳工叹口气说,你这样怎么行?太娇纵。我一直无法相信你是个好老师。
卡拉是个典型的肉食动物,我看与其说他是猫科,不如说他更接近虎科或狗科。因为他只吃鸡肉,牛肉什么的,鱼是一点点都不碰。我以人的眼光看他,想他既然是只猫,哪里有不喜欢偷腥的?几天以后自做主张给他换了个鱼罐头。卡拉当时一点都不吃,我便扔了。因为我还不是标准的妈妈,做不到孩子不吃的东西我就无怨无悔地甘心当只垃圾桶。
昨天带他去注射,医生说,卡拉必须要吃点加营养成分的特制鱼罐头,里面有适合他成长的特别钙和铁。我当时就告诉医生,他不吃鱼。医生说,为了孩子的健康着想,他吃也得吃,不吃灌也要灌下去,次数又不多,每个月才一次嘛!
我有心理准备的。我事先就认真跟劳工保证,我一定要叫他吃下去,明天什么都不喂他,就喂他医生罐头。大家都不许可怜他,一定饿到他迫不得已吃下去为止。劳工说,我没问题,关键是你。我斩钉截铁地说:我撑得住。就不信还憋不过只猫。
昨天晚上我就开始做准备了。下午4点起不再喂他别的东西。到晚上十点,卡拉饿了,开始乱叫。蹦到爸爸腿上咬爸爸手指,蹦到妈妈腿上扭屁股作揖要夜宵。我就将医生罐头倒在保鲜膜上。按按他的头。
小家伙嗅了嗅,转了两圈,啊呜啊呜抗议了两声,走了。
昨天晚上,他就那么饿着。
早上我起来,他又扑向我,示意我该喂他了,大步流星奔向厨房,又怕我不知道他去了哪里,再回头迎我,反正得把我拽到厨房喂他。
我查了一下食物,保持原样。于是揪过他脑袋,掐开他嘴巴,灌了一勺下去。卡拉痛苦地翻着白眼,打着呕心的嗝,试图吐出来,吐不出,很可怜地摇头,吐舌头,眨眼睛,却一声不吭,只用肢体语言告诉着我他不喜欢。
我辛酸,灌不下去了,由他吧。饿了自然会吃的。
下午不放心卡拉,将剩下的课调整了一下,特地抽空回来看他。
还是没吃。卡拉饿了一天了。有点精神萎靡。并没有因为妈妈的残酷而嫉恨妈妈。见我进门,在我脚边缠绕,嗅嗅我的脚,坐在我的包上冲我笑,温暖而幸福,好象是告诉我,妈妈我撑得住,无论如何我都爱你。
去厨房检查,还是没有吃。
摸摸他脑袋,摸摸他饿得扁扁的肚皮说,小傻傻,真这么难吃吗?绝食了?有吃总比饿着强啊!别跟个士大夫一样不为五斗米折腰。卡拉听不懂我说什么,我想他的坚持应该缘于天生的贵族脾气。
我坐在电脑前喝茶。卡拉蹲在地毯上仔细梳理自己的毛,一下一下舔得既清爽又光滑。虽然这一天并没有吃什么,他还是伪装自己已经吃过了,心满意足的样子。只是肚子不经意间泄露的骨碌碌声告诉我他其实很饿。
卡拉一如既往想跳到我的腿上伴我网上冲浪。如果是晚上,他经常会咬咬我的衣服,拽拽我的扣子,或好奇地看我在干什么,不一会儿就睡着了。
而今天下午,他大约是实在饿得不行了,试图跳了几次,都没有蹦上我的腿,还将我的腿挠出几条白道道。我心疼地抱他上我的腿,顺着他细密的绒毛拂摸他,让他知道我并没有不爱他。卡拉很懂事的,点点头,继续吮着我的手指头磨着他的牙,很温柔很温柔地噬我。他了解我爱他,所以即便饿着,只要有我的拥抱,他还是很幸福。
我宁可他凶恶地冲我大吼,或者象个孩子一样不满意了便大发雷霆,将家里弄得乱七八糟,或者是将食物撒得满地都是,以暴力的方式表达愤怒。
也许我会觉得好受些。
他没有,除了爱我,他什么都不表现。自己默默忍受痛苦。
我投降了,将他喂得饱饱,在夜里10点的时候。我喜欢看他的肚子鼓鼓得,边走路边伸懒腰,活跃地在家里上窜下跳。我不要我的猫猫忍受痛苦。
劳工教育我说,必要的痛苦是为了他好。我说,去他妈的假惺惺,以我们人的眼光来约束他。我就不要。我为你好,让 你戒烟你肯吗?我为你好,让你不打游戏去看书你肯吗?你若做不到,就不要强迫我的猫猫!
我输了,输给一只一个月大小的猫猫。
在自己爱的人面前,我永远都是LOSER。我不在意面子。赢又如何,输又如何?让爱人开心,是我最大的快乐。
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