家
家
(应网友要求为SONGS OF SECRET GARDEN作的配乐散文)
上海的妈妈每天打电话来,兴奋地汇报新家的装修状况,今天粉刷了,明天铺地板了,窗帘是我喜欢的柔和,书房有清澈的落地窗。。。。。。。
电话里,我一惊一乍附和着,尽量让自己的声音透着与妈妈同等的喜悦,而心却奔向遥远。
我印象里的家,是小时侯那阴暗潮湿的筒子楼,即便楼外艳阳天,过道里也蒙着晦涩的暗。每家将炉子案板小柜子,所有能够塞进去的东西,尽量侵占着公用的空间。我就在那里跌跌撞撞长大,从生下来被一家一家传抱着,这个亲一口那个摸一下。邻居的姐姐站在门口的空地上拍着手张开怀抱推我迈步,我委屈地撅着嘴,犹疑地四下张望,而妈妈躲在榆钱树下既担心又渴望地偷看。我恣意地吃东家玩西家,累了就睡在余妈妈家的茶几上,饿了去刘医生的腌菜坛里抓把豆角。
楼前楼后,春来的时候总盛开着嫩黄的雏菊,菊花落了,结成透明的蒲公英。玉豪哥哥和灵姐姐挎着竹编的小篮,带着泥瓦匠抹水泥的小铲子背着我去挖野菜。
这是马兰头,那是荠菜,茼蒿有点涩口,马齿苋的水是紫色。。。。。。
夏天的知了挂在枝头吟唱着酷热,我会央着周伯伯搬出那张躺椅,坐在树下与小伙伴一起攀绳子。王嫫嫫拿着蒲扇过来拍我的头说,小家伙,我正晒棉被,你这绳子一攀,天要落雨了。沿着当时大学唯一一条宽马路上,筒子楼的大门外,堆了两三根涵管,两头通着成了我的领地。一个人的时候钻进去躺在里面幻想。一个四岁的女孩,就有很多的意念,希望突然来的大吊车将涵管吊走,带着我去了不知名的城市,我就可以流浪。母亲一定不晓得一个4岁的孩子就有出去混世界的念头,否则怎么也得象弟弟那样,给我的耳朵上生个栓马桩。
筒子楼是铁打的营盘,住户是流水的兵。眼看着喜欢我的余妈妈带着玉豪哥哥走了,灵姐姐把她心爱的布娃娃留给我,也跟着刘医生搬了家,小星姐姐出去读书了。
楼后的野菜疯长。
姐姐们教给我的歌还在我口中唱,而攀绳子的游戏我又教给后来的小伙伴们。
某天,妈妈兴高采烈将我的床收拾起来,一同收起来的还有我的衣服。
这个丢掉,那个不要了,这个送给陈老师的孩子。。。。。。。
妈妈洋溢着欢笑的声音很轻松,而我内心却是无名的恐惧。
最终,我也要走了。
“小六六,我们要有新家了,你会有自己的房间,不要和妈妈爸爸睡一起了”.我的眼泪滑落。
要是我永远四岁就好了。
妈妈搂着我,在筒子楼的大门口,照了张相。那张相片上,妈妈还是年轻的少妇,一脸的喜悦,我还是个孩子,一脸的倔强。尽管年轻的爸爸拿着娃娃糖果在前方举着相机逗我笑,四岁的我已经懂得离别的哀伤。
我还是住在那个院子里,只是换了个角落。
刚搬过去的时候,我总问妈妈,我们什么时候回家?妈妈很诧异,说,这就是你的家啊!有爸爸妈妈的地方就是你的家。
我在四岁头上,曾有几次背着父母偷偷摸摸自己找着回去的路。现在看来,并不远,也就
几分钟步行。而那时侯我却走了很久,我只凭着来时的记忆,沿着红墙,沿着松树,沿着刻在眼里的小土堆一点一点摸着走。到了那幢老楼前,默默钻进涵管中咬着狗尾巴草躺一会,唱着以前的歌。
以后就习惯新家了。偶尔路过筒子楼,会驻足良久,就那么隔着围墙看着。那里现在已经是男生宿舍,里面不时传来活力的吼叫和悠扬的吉他。他们并不知道,曾经有个小姑娘,将她四年的日子留在他们的宿舍,他们弹吉他的地方。
几年,妈妈又搬家了。去了更远的上海。走的时候又象当年一样扔着我的宝贝。我大了,没小时侯那么念旧,我已经明白,人这一生就是颠簸。住哪里并不重要,有爸爸妈妈的地方就是家。而其实,现在,我到哪里,哪里就是我的家了,我象个蜗牛一样,背着我的行囊到处流浪。
前两天做梦,一个很悲惨的梦。梦里迷路了,找不到回去的方向。就那么站在高速公路边上彷徨。下雨了,起风了,我湿透了。深一脚浅一脚地走,终于走到家门口,打开房门一看,竟是我熟悉的新加坡的家。
在我的脑海里,我的家,已经跟父母的家远离了。
曾经有位诗人说过:”故乡的路是永远回不去的。” 我每天魂牵梦萦,口里念叨着总有一天回国。我总跟朋友吹嘘自己的家乡有多么多么的迷人,那个小城市,梧桐花絮在清风中飞舞,冰棱在冬日下泛着寒光,荷塘的碧叶,如雾的秋霜。我想,那已经成为我记忆中的一幅画了,印着我思乡的淡淡忧伤。
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