Re:让你的孩子从‘拒绝’到‘合作’Getting your child from 'NO' to 'YES ..
前言简介 Introduction
Empathize. Show your child that you empathize with his concerns. This validates him and tells him that you respect his opinions, which in turn motivates him to cooperate as part of your team. If you repeatedly scold, find fault, complain, blame, label, and guilt-trip your child, he'll tune you out and learn to use these hurtful tactics to other people.
理解:让孩子知道你理解他的处境。这是支持和告诉他你尊重他的想法,这样也会使他转为更合作。如果你总是责备,挑错,埋怨,归咎,那么他将会用这些伤人的招数去对待别人。
Make a deal using Grandma's Rule. Grandma's Rule says, "When you've done what I've asked you to do, then you're free to do what you want to do." This peaceful solution to parent-child conflicts teaches your child the value of meeting his responsibilities before doing what he wants. It gives him practice in delaying gratification and tolerating frustration. It helps him develop the internal motivation to get his work done before enjoying his fun. The ultimate benefit of Grandma's Rule is teaching your child the win-win, team approach to meeting everyone's agenda.
Bribery, on the other hand, tells your child, "if you do what I ask, then I'll give you a special prize." It teaches him to hold out for a tangible payoff before cooperating. Once he learns that his cooperation can be bought and sold on the open market, his motivation remains external and totally dependent on the size of the payoff he can receive.
采用祖母规则-协定法:祖母规则是,'当你做完我要你做的事情后,你就可以去做你自己想做的事情。"这种和平解决父母和孩子冲突的方法教会你的孩子意识到,在做他想要做的事情之前,达到他的责任的重要性。这也是让他练习延迟欲望和容忍不满。帮助他发展在享乐之前把工作完成的内在驱动力。祖母规则的最终目的是教会你的孩子一种完成每个人的计划的双赢的群队方法。
相反,贿赂是告诉你的孩子,"如果你照我要求的去做,我就会给你特别的奖励。" 这是教会他一个实在的奖品支撑他到合作。一旦他意识到他的合作是可以公然买卖,他的驱动力是外在的,而且是完全与他所要得到的奖励大小相关。
Teach by giving choices. When you give your child choices, he practices his decision-making skills. For example, you might say, "You can play nicely with your sister, or you can play by yourself. You choose." This motivates him to play nicely with his sister in order to remain in her company (something he dearly wants to do).
On the other hand, intimidating your child by threatening to punish him when he doesn't listen tells him that he has no choice in the matter. Because he hasn't been given any say in what happens, his anger, resentment, and reluctance to cooperate will increase—the opposite of what you want. Threats lead to fear, and fear motivated your child to escape or rebel rather than cooperate.
Threats also put you in a difficult position. If your child doesn't comply, you're forced to follow through with a punishment that damages your child and your relationship with him; if you don't follow through, your credibility is destroyed. When your child discovers that your threat was empty, he'll no longer believe that you mean what you say. He'll replace his fear of punishment with a fear that nothing is as it seems. It's best to avoid these consequences by avoiding threats
给出选择:但你给你的孩子选择时,也锻炼了他的决策能力。例如,你可以说,"你可以选择好好地和你妹妹玩,也可以自己一个人玩,你自己决定。"这是告诉他如果他想有个伙伴一起玩(有时,他是十分想有伴玩),就要好好地和妹妹玩。
相反,如果你威胁你的孩子,如果他不听你的,就没有除了接受惩罚没有别的选择。因为他对要发生的事情没有被告知别的说法,他的愤怒,不满,不愿合作的想法就会增长,这是你所不希望的。威胁会导致害怕,害怕会让你的孩子逃离,反抗而不是合作。
威胁也让你处于不利的处境。如果你的孩子不服从,你就会被迫做出惩罚,这会伤害孩子,还有你和孩子的关系。如果你不照你所威胁的去做,你的信誉受到破坏。当孩子发现你的威胁是空的时,他就不会相信你所说的。他对惩罚的害怕会转换成对事情不确定的害怕。这个后果最好一定要避免。