吃得苦中苦,方为主持人
来源:微信 作者:六六 2014年06月25日
第一次做综艺节目嘉宾,很新奇。对方花了大价钱,头等舱来回,配专门艺人统筹,还允许我带助理一枚。如此高规格的接待,让我受宠若惊。
等做完第一次节目,觉得他们对我怎么好都不过分。原本以为耗脑力,去了才知道,这是燃烧绳命在做节目。我对孟非之类常年奋战在综艺行业的主持人感到大惑不解:是怎样的热爱与坚持,才能让他们年复一年,日复一日站在同一个舞台上而不显疲惫,还能不重复自己说绝了词典的话。
早上10点开始化妆。我眼皮快给化妆师给夹薄了,第一次卸妆睫毛就掉了一半。想起高健健说的,主持人这种凶残化妆方式,很快眼角就下垂。化完妆驱车一个钟头去录影棚。我到的时候,乐嘉已经在棚里串场了。毕竟是他的主场,我来打酱油。
说是两点开始,到三点通知我们要上场。因为紧张,从迈进影棚的刹那,我就有尿意。想着一趴故事也就20分钟,怎样都能忍到,便坐定。
试话筒,试灯光,试投票机。
满场活蹦乱跳的熊孩子,叽里哇啦不听招呼,一直到冲出一头幼师,一阵狮吼,孩子们才各就各位。
音乐起。
乐嘉背广告。
一遍,两遍,第三遍他自己和所有观众都笑趴。
只有我对他充满同情。那些广告词,毫无意义,还不能现编,一个字都不能错,他在后台,对主持内容的紧张,远不如广告词多。若换我主持,你们今天第一趴都来不及录,光看我磕磕巴巴念广告了。
第一趴,上嘉宾。
嘉宾张口没声音。忘试她的音了。退回,再来一遍。
放VCR,听嘉宾陈述,小盆友开始评判。
然后投票器被他们拍坏。现场修。
再重新来一遍。
投票。
一切正常,有小姑娘哭,说自己拍错了,要求重来。
鸡皮疙瘩四起,预感到上厕所不是眼前的事。
跟小朋友们对话。
驴唇不对马嘴。
我翻翻台本,汗就下来了。他们怎么讲的故事跟我手头拿的故事不是一回事?
小朋友台上开始吵架,还有互相踹的。
乐嘉脑门一层亮油。补妆。再补妆。
本来挺悲情的故事,被台上孩子们上不着天下不着地的评论把妈妈给逗乐了。
这戏没法演了!
全场即兴发挥,集体无意识跑题。
我能控制得了我的尿,我控制不了小孩的话。
乐嘉得费好大力气才把孩子们给绕回来。
好不容易第一趴录完,我扔下台本站起来刚想去厕所,听导演喊:准备!第二趴。
已经一个半小时过去了。
四趴完成以后才能去尿尿。四个半小时以后!!!!
这些孩子难道都穿纸尿裤了吗?
要不是紧张加端正的坐姿帮助我出一身汗,间接排了尿,我肯定已经昏死过去。
下半场开始之前的休息,我和乐嘉一样不进米水。怕麻烦。中间还得接受媒体采访。我看乐嘉不时撕一包药粉塞嘴里,声音弱到说不出,忍不住担心地问:“你是靠吸毒提气的吗?”他快被我气死:“营养粉!!”
我终于知道主持人为什么都这么瘦了,这些都是为工作需要不吃不喝不拉不撒的神兽!我若改行当主持人,无须管住嘴迈开腿,一天站个十几小时,又蹦又跳又哭又笑的,给我吃龙蛋也不会长肉啊!
我看看表,跟乐嘉说,你要注意,这都九点了,孩子马上就要困了,等下一时二刻无缝躺倒睡台上你就完蛋了。
乐嘉也忧心忡忡。
事实证明,我是那个要昏过去的人。孩子们到午夜还精神着呢!我们都累得不想说话了,人家还蹦跳着举手发言。
好不容易结束,我欢天喜地要离开,被通知要开总结会!!!同志们你们工作的动力从哪里来?我已经在台上笔直坐了7个小时了!
开完会,拍完宣传花絮坐一小时车回酒店。洗漱完毕已经半夜三点,明天早上10点准时化妆。我睡了个最近最完美的觉,感觉像死过去那么沉。所有矫情说失眠的,说什么跑步拉板车都不管用的,全送去当主持!
我以前跟人家说我写书呕心沥血,胖是我的职业病。现在才发现,上帝疼我,给我选了一样最轻松的工作。
第二天早上,周群赶来看我,我听她声音有些鼻塞,问她咋了,她说昨天录节目冻着了。棚里温度只有十几度,还要穿露肩夜礼服。我同情地说:“他们把温度打得低,是怕你妆花了。”
周群乐了,说,你真外行。他们把温度打得低,是怕机器温度高烧坏了。主持人是生产资料里最便宜的部分,你这分钟挂了,下一分钟就有人挤来接班。机器好贵的。
我哈哈大笑。
那一年我去剧组探班,看海清在人工浇的瓢泼大雨里一遍一遍摔倒,冻得瑟瑟发抖,摔得鼻青脸肿,哭得稀里哗啦,就觉得演员不是正常人的选择。且不说一年里不晓得背井离乡去几个山沟,还要忍受情感折磨,挣的都是辛苦钱。
现在又发现主持人也日子不好过。
那些看起来光鲜靓丽,轻轻巧巧,大富大贵的职业,背后有多少辛酸泪是你打着麻将喝着小酒抠着脚丫羡慕的时候看不见的。
不说别的,考察自己有没有出名的潜能,先憋泡足够大能当镜子照自己的尿试试。
(文章版权所有,媒体转载前请联系[email protected];题图取自互联网)
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