一封情书 ——写给中年人的爱情
来源:联合早报 >> 生活 >> 新汇点 >> 四合院 作者:六六 2011年07月25日
今天是我连续第三天光着屁股水淋淋地冲进主卧拿大浴巾擦身了。
父母那辈人没有习惯用大浴巾。以前有毛巾都不错了。我妈总是拿出她在超市买的类似抹布的毛巾洗澡,我漂亮的浴室被她挂得东一块西一块擦澡小毛巾,而大浴巾被她收得不知所终。
家里物质极大丰富,确切地说,多年来物质只进不出。父母的衣柜里还放着妈妈结婚时外婆送的驼绒大衣,逢夏必晒,从不见穿,早已落伍。早上我整理家,把妈妈收藏的包装盒扔出去,因为需要一个柜子装我新添置的衣物。不一会儿,袋子们又堆在我家窗台,爸爸为配合妈妈的嗜好,从门口垃圾堆里拾回来。
我和婆婆住的时候,婆婆总是要把用到很旧的毛巾拿出来用,即使我扔进抹布筐里,然后把我新浴巾藏起来。吃饭必先吃剩菜,再把这顿的新菜存到下顿剩下来吃,且对我说她一辈子就是吃剩菜的命。我曾劝过她改一改吃菜习惯,她不肯。害我陪她吃二十年剩菜,最近不与她同住才有机会尝鲜。
能忍受,是因为爱
长辈小孩不在的时候,我把家里收拾得干净漂亮整洁。他们一来,家里像战场。爹妈的高血压药总是摊在茶几上,我的大花瓶原本在餐桌上,现在被放在地上,餐桌上永远是买回来的蔬菜,小孩的玩具,西瓜子和未拆包的快递。
鱼缸里,小鱼被猫用爪子捞出来,在地板上打挺翻白眼。
儿子昨天把我辛苦钻床底下藏的大钟给拖出来,一路顺着地拖到客厅给我看他的发现。地板上长长一条深刻的划痕,都划到我心坎。
我能忍受这些,是因为我爱他们。我愿意把自我的喜欢包裹起来,而让他们都高兴。
我其实,多么期望这崭新的家,在我倾力装修后,保持着怒放的鲜花,游动的小鱼,清爽的台面,音响里出来的是我喜欢的弦乐而不是我一听就头大的无聊电视剧对话。我有机会坐在沙发上看书喝咖啡,而不是现在找个座位都得看哪里有空档。
我内心里,渴望独居,喜欢思想自由地飞翔,不愿意生活束缚了我的翅膀。我如果有更多的时间徜徉在与故去的伟人交谈中而不是在为早餐吃什么,米放多少水才能全家皆大欢喜的琐事中,我也许走得更高。
可是,我情愿,我喜欢,我选择了与生活打交道,与我爱我关心的人纠缠一生一世,将他们的快乐建筑于我自己的喜好之上,让我深刻地感受到自由的可贵来源于束缚的深重,一到深夜我就开始尽情享受文字带给我的欢畅。这些束缚的十字架,是我学习耶稣那样,心甘情愿地背在身上。
所以,亲爱的,你担心,担心我们在一起的时候,也许因生活的繁琐而分开。
你要相信我,我愿意,为自己的所爱交出遨游的翅膀,同在一个屋檐下,变成不能飞的鸵鸟。
在一起,磕碰着也好。不在一起,思念着也好。
怎样都好。
(作者为作家、《蜗居》编剧,来自中国安徽,1999年来新)
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