发小
2008年03月18日
我俩穿开裆裤的时候就住前后楼，上中学的时候每天拎着奶瓶大馍筐一起一溜就是整个下午，她和我们班一小帅哥眉来眼去，我替她背黑锅，老师把我揪办公室训导。我早恋跟男朋友约会的时候，每天都跟我妈说到她家复习功课；失恋的时候每天都到她家哭一通。她还替我选男朋友，看谁能配得上我。我注定到哪她都跟着。我去上海，她分配工作的时候不跟她男朋友跑，却跟我来了上海。我去新加坡，她又结婚来了新加坡。我回中国，她又回到中国工作。才没分多久，我就跑到她这避难了。
我问她：“上天派你来是为我保驾护航的吧？”
她说：“这都是命啊！我也不想跟你，怎么到哪都摆不脱？”
我俩性格迥异，她要逛街，我要逛超市；她要做脸做脚做美容，我要拖地洗衣烧菜做饭；她的衣橱一丝不乱衣服挂得整齐，东西理得清爽；我的房间她现在想进去都得先挪个地方；她严格保持身材，家里冰箱一拉开空空荡荡啥都没有，我一去就把她冰箱塞满了。她拉着我不许我进蛋糕店，我趁她一去上班就把蛋糕面包买回家给她当早饭；她的书架上堆的都是营销管理，比尔盖茨的未来之路，谁动了我的奶酪，我的书架上都是源泉，丧家狗，百年英法战争。她每天忙着美白，出门都打伞戴太阳镜，我每天忙着减肥，上下楼不坐电梯爬楼；她看台湾电视连续剧放松，我嘲笑她没文化，应该支持我的电视剧版本，提高收视率。她修家里接触不良的灯，我给她缝掉了的扣。
我早上神经兮兮地爬到她床上，跟她讲，我最近有非常不好的苗头，逃出来是对的。她说怎么了？我说我在梦里，已经开始准备工具了，而且画逃跑路线，找消尸灭迹的工具，还找不在场的证明，这太可怕了！我真没想到我骨子里这样嫉恶如仇，这样有暴力倾向！
她说，你干吗呀，离开男人如丧考妣，有什么大不了的？你能不能不接他电话，不跟他说话，梦里也别做他，换个男人梦梦不行吗？这世界帅哥多了去了，你连梦里都这么忠诚，这不是压抑自我吗？你换一个，布莱德彼特怎么样？我说，不行，安吉莉娜朱莉以前演过古墓丽影，身体很壮，我怕打不过她。
她说，这样，你要是觉得没人让你爱，没人让你照顾你特难受，你就把我当你老公，每天回家给我倒杯茶，烧好小菜等我，把家收拾干干净净的，打扮得漂漂亮亮。
我同意了。下午去买了鲫鱼冬笋和蘑菇回来炖个补汤，再炒个丝瓜土鸡蛋，还有糖醋藕片，又营养又健康。晚上等她回家，热闹着吃完饭，还把水烧好让她洗澡，她在敷面膜的时候，我躺她边上给她念新闻，交流思想作汇报。
过一会儿钻进她被窝儿，开始摸她耳朵。
她说，干嘛?
我扭扭捏捏地说，我一般晚上都要爱爱的。你让我把你当老公的。
她大叫着一脚把我踹下床，让我有多远滚多远。
我愤愤地说：“哼！光叫人家尽义务，不许人家享受权利，叫人家怎么把你当老公？”
她哈哈大笑。
“发小”上的5条回复
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