分类
幼儿教育

不舍

不舍

Posted: 03-20-2007

下了很久的决心，总是犹豫不定。总是想反悔，具体表现在，人家合同都下来很久了，我老是鸡蛋里挑骨头，不愿意签。让人怀疑我压根不想提笔写东西。

我要回国了，开始过另一种生活，放弃我在这里打下的N年江山。

舍不得学生，舍不得孩子们，老觉得是自己把他们抛弃了，让他们变成浮萍在水面飘来飘去。

这个世界，显然浮萍孩子多得很，可我总是信心满满地以为，只要孩子们找到我，他们就有依靠了。可能是我太自信，也可能是我把全部的爱与热情都投注在这里。每天忙碌着上课，教孩子们读书认字，竟然这样过了青春的很多年。

然后有一天，我要换一种活法。被逼。

我被贼人架着刀子下水。

但我想，他们也许是对的，不到山穷水尽，我永远不知道自己的潜能。而我现在的工作与写作，已经不可能两头兼顾。每个人每年都替我把工作安排上。"今年，你要帮我完成一个电影""今年你要出一本关于这方面的书""今年你把你的这个小说改成电视剧……"如果你踏上这条道路，你就会明白这是一条流水线，你无法爱干就写两笔，不干就放弃。很多人等着开工，很多人等着上戏。

我不能赖别人，这也是我自己的选择。我一直期望过一种自由的生活，忙的时候忙，闲的时候四处游历。

今天晚上，我最终下了决心，把手头所有的学生交付出去。在交代的那一刻，我的心都被掏空了，小到孩子的学习习惯，需要催促还是恐吓还是利诱，我都一一写明。我怀疑接我课的老师一定觉得我很奇怪，不象是托付学生，却象是把心托付出去。

我一转身，就开始恨恨地想:"她肯定教不好我的孩子们!"

我对别人不信任。

即使别人是好老师，可我依旧不信任。我总觉得她们不会象我这样把全部的心用进去。教书于我，到最后已经纯粹是爱好了，只是享受与孩子们在一起聊天，督促他们做作业的乐趣。钱我已经不放在眼里。

劳工说我一个人发呆。

坐在家里咬指甲。

孩子们呀，要争气，不叫我挂心。

哭了。眼泪都止不住，一滴一滴。

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