《温柔啊温柔》:当老虎遇上猫
作者:任海平 来源:新浪读书
我这人特别不喜欢小动物,不是没爱心,是胆量不够,又怕麻烦,所以,见了狗呀猫呀,我只有礼貌而谦恭地退避三舍。有时候小猫小狗想和我套近乎,我都是吓得一蹦三跳,“呀呀”乱嚷,全然失了淑女风度。
某一日看杂志,说喜欢花鸟虫鱼、喜养小宠物的人得老年痴呆症的比率会低很多,自己也暗下决心,见了朋友家的小猫小狗,也装模作样地抚摩几下,心里却有点笑自己的假惺惺。我周围喜欢猫的大有人在,却没有一个像六六这么带样子的。“带样子”不是个贬义词,如果非要我文绉绉地说,那就是贴心贴肝。捡了只野猫吧,还给取一名叫什么卡拉?六六老师?陈,差一点没把我给笑死。还和猫爸爸,就是那个陈同志,为了给卡拉?六六老师.?陈定规矩,分别实践了一套教育理论。“劳工开始了红脸严父的生涯,猫宝宝如果不在规定场所排水,劳工会先揪着他的脖子,将他拖到犯罪现场,先举证,指着那滩尿渍大声:‘你看你看!你又乱尿!这是哪个小瘪三干的?!是哪个臭臭把我家搞得乌烟瘴气?!’然后在猫猫屁股上猛拍两巴掌,引出一片哀号,一松手猫猫如丧家之狗满屋乱逃。”
这种法家教育的结果就是卡拉同志到处乱尿,卡拉他爸的教育方式以失败告终。
再看卡拉他妈–六六老师的儒家手段:
“我最擅长的是软语相劝,我开始非常亲昵地称呼他‘宝–’,只要我唤一声:‘宝–!’猫猫便会踮着猫步非常轻柔地跃上我的膝盖,闭着眼睛任我搔弄他的下巴。我于是在他选定最舒服的姿势以后开始教育:‘宝啊!我家的乖宝宝,大使入盆,小便入池,知不知道?’宝宝于是乖巧地答:‘道–!’”这哪里是教育猫,简直比教育自家小宝还要精心。“晚上我累了,要睡了,它也玩倦了,躺在我身边。有时候饿了,就爬到我耳朵边亲亲,跟我约定个暗号,咬耳朵三下就是要肉肉。”
有幸被六六收养的猫咪咪卡拉有福了。有福了的还有《温柔啊温柔》里面的那群可爱的“小儿”:两岁的小nick,为了争当好孩子,用“oh,dear”改掉了“shit”这样的粗口;两岁半的德国小儿Danan,狂热地喜欢中文,为了得到答对问题的奖励–小点心。六六笔下的他们令我捧腹大笑,乐不可支。我都恨不得猛猛地又温柔地捶六六两下,因为她让我笑得太过火了,我的脸帮子和腮帮子都在哆嗦,还有我酸得不行的小肚肚儿。
后来,我终于知道六六爱猫的秘密了。你看看那篇《打架》,一个小女孩儿打比自己大几岁又高半头的半大小伙子,虽然被人掠走了一缕秀发,但却将人家胳膊上的半两肉咬了下来。你想想这等牙尖嘴利属什么的吧。当然就是老虎了。六六就是那只山中老虎。一想到这儿,我又放声大笑。
虎属猫科呀,传说中猫还是虎的舅舅呢。所以所以,六六和咪咪卡拉的关系,嘻嘻,不说你也知道啦。
那么老虎遇见猫会发生什么事情呢?
看看六六的新书《温柔啊温柔》吧。
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