湿牛皮与好快刀
这篇文章缘于韩少功先生的一篇小说。里面谈到两种死法,一种是“湿牛皮”法,一种是“好快刀”法。在西藏,有种刑法,把人裹进湿牛皮里绑紧了在艳阳下爆晒,里面的人可以感觉到牛皮一点点入侵,直到最后欠进肌肤,将人活活勒死。而聊斋里有个故事,说的是刽子手下刀如电闪,头蹦出去几米开外,犯人还口中连呼:“好快刀!”
元旦刚过,母亲去家乡看望94岁的外婆,回来后忧伤地告诉我:“外婆看样子怕是熬不过这个年关了,骨瘦如柴,象点尽的蜡烛,又象浇过水的灶头,看着真受罪。”外婆已经进入了牛皮收紧的阶段,首先是活在混沌的世界里,听不见也看不见,吃饭或睡觉都没有概念。饿了使劲吃,困了一睡24小时。以前还自言自语,现在已经完全闭口不言,活在与世隔绝的黑暗寂静中,这是一种精神压迫,造成她终日恐惧,一旦有人经过,便很警惕地以为是来谋害她的,而夜里,她总是用让人难以相信的超人力量将一张铁床拖到门后抵住,避免牛头马面来带她走。“不要杀我!”她这样企求着身边的子女。子女的安慰,她是听不见的。“妈妈。”有一天,垂老的外婆这样搂着舅妈唤她。在她的印象里,她已经回到童年,需要母亲的庇佑。糊涂的时候,外婆会大叫“救命!”,而清醒的时候,她会说:“我的痛苦是死不掉。活得太老。”
以前那个麻利清爽温柔的外婆,现在变得糊涂,无法控制大小便,半夜里会象婴孩般放声哭泣。
我的心刀绞一样痛。曾经希望外婆长命百岁,甚至万寿无疆。现在,我开始劝说自己,也许,如今外婆的离去,对她,亦或是对周围心痛她的人,未必不是一种解脱。人的生命,与长短相比,更重要的是质量,活着,要有个尊严。在世一天,如果快乐一天,享受着生活一天,赞美这世界一天,眷恋着色彩一天,就是幸福的一天。而活着,如果仅仅是为了呼吸,为了等待死神的召唤,并时刻颤栗,感觉走在地雷阵的中央,不知道哪一步会引发炸弹,那么,还不如好快刀的爽利。
与外婆相比,奶奶的辞世是一种幸福。下午走在院子里,突然身体一歪,脑血管象脱了闸的水龙头一样裂开,不到24小时就过去了。人在那以后一直是昏迷的,没有痛苦。因为年纪还轻,并没有预感到死亡的逼近,直到最后一刻都是快乐的,因为她临出门前说的一句话是:“我去串门儿。”
我揣度宋庆龄106岁的寂寞。在90以后的岁月里,看身边的至亲一个一个离去,那些自己曾经爱过的,拥抱过的,寄与希望的人们或仓促或微笑着告别,自己心中的故事,和陈年的往事竟无知音倾听,每天关起房门,闭上眼睛,眼前出现的画面都是曾经的音容笑貌,于是暗自只能叹气,在另一个世界里,那些相熟的人们还可以在一起打打麻将,听听戏,说一些相互懂的话,或是歌舞升平,独留着自己,每天惴惴不安地等待,并在两个世界中间的楚合汉界挣扎,我该呆在哪边?这是怎样的无奈?也许,最后的日子里,她的心,向死更为迫切,尽管她说: “上帝让我活着,我不敢轻易去死,上帝让我去死,我决不苟且地活着。”
国外有部电影名字叫做“两百年的人”,说的是一部机器人,如何在经历了两百年的生离死别后,最终要求法官宣判他已经成为一个人而非机器。人的定义为最终的死亡,而他微笑着选择死亡,放弃了作为机器的永生。
写这篇文章,是为了告诉自己,如果,在最近,听说我的外婆要象天使一般飞入天堂的时候,我应该含笑祝福。
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