东海仙子：冰花诗一首英译（假面舞会）OK

假面舞会        The Masquerade


BY Rose Lu(Binghua)  Tr. East Sea Fairy
化妆舞会              At the masquerade
你是王子              You were the prince
我是白雪姑娘          And I was the Snow White.

轻挽我的裙腰          When my waist felt your hold softest of all
蓝色的忧郁            The blue melancholy
舞池中                Danced hence into plumes of smoke
化为青烟袅袅          Off the dancing floor.

午夜的钟声敲响        The bell made the midnight toll
你离去又转身回眸      And you took the leave but glanced back,
留给我                Leaving to me
一张爱的面具          A mask of love.

长长的楼梯上          Then a red rose
飞落一朵红玫瑰        A red rose bud
含苞待放              Lighted on the long stairs.

修改后:


The Masquerade


BY Rose Lu(Bing hua)  

At the masquerade
You were the prince
And I the Snow White.

When your soft hand touched my waist
My blue melancholy
Became a plume of smoke
Rising from the dance floor.

When the bell tolled at midnight
you departed with a backward glance,
Leaving me
A mask of love

On the long stairs
A red rose
Waiting to bloom

假面舞会

冰花

化妆舞会
你是王子
我是白雪姑娘

轻挽我的裙腰
蓝色的忧郁
舞池中
化为青烟袅袅

午夜的钟声敲响
你离去又转身回眸
留给我
一张爱的面具

长长的楼梯上
飞落一朵红玫瑰
含苞待放

MASK DANCING PARTY

BY MENGWEN

In the mask dancing party
You played the Prince
I played Snow-white

You gently held my slim waist
Your blue melancholy
Became a foggy smoke
Ascending In the dancing pool

The midnight bell went off
On your way out, you turned back to look at me
Leaving me
A love mask

On the long stairways
A red bud of rose fell down, and
Ready to bloom

看来这里的舞池译文也和上首一样, 还有其它问题吗?




2007-1-31 03:00 AM
博客  资料  主页  短信   编辑  引用  报告  



非马




#8  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


有几点小建议提供参考：

1。”假面舞会“通常译成Masked Ball 或 Masquerade
2。Snow-white 应为Snow White
3。foggy smoke -- smoke 前面没必要加形容词foggy
4。Ascending In the dancing pool--
Rising from the dance floor

5. bud of rose -- rosebud

http://www.yidian.org/viewthread.php?tid=5086&fpage=1&highlight=%BC%D9%C3%E6%CE%E8%BB%E1

The Masquerade


BY Rose Lu(Binghua)  Tr. East Sea Fairy

At the masquerade
You were the prince
And I was the Snow White.

When my waist felt your hold softest of all
The blue melancholy
Danced hence into plumes of smoke
Off the dancing floor.

The bell made the midnight toll
And you took the leave but glanced back,
Leaving to me
A mask of love.

Then a red rose
A red rose bud
Lighted on the long stairs.

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_3f4024480102e9gt.html