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楼主  发表于: 2009-09-06   

说分手真的很“伤心”

来源:英国《卫报》
作者:Luisa Dillner
caoti@yeeyan翻译
guardian.co.uk  2009年08月29日

流行歌曲告诉我们,分手是一件很艰难的事情,但是据最近的调查指出,事实上它造成的影响能持续终生。发表在《健康与社会行为期刊》(Journal Of Health and Social Behavior)上的一项研究结果指出,对8652名年龄在51至61岁的人研究过后发现,离婚同丧偶有相似的影响,会增加罹患患心脏病、糖尿病和癌症的风险(增加20%)。按作者的说法,离婚有“挥之不去的有害冲击”。

优思明 ·阿里布哈·布朗(Yasmin Alibhai-Brown)在第一任丈夫离开她的时候(现在她已经快乐地再婚了)曾写道,“每天我仍旧能感到分离的痛苦还伴随着我;这甚至发生在离婚后生活对我格外眷顾之时。”

由于那些结了婚的人有机会离婚,而同居伴侣之间的关系就更为脆弱了,所以我们当中有许多人必须学会,忘记那些你一度希望能够与之携手白头的人。

研究显示,少于十分之一的分手是由双方共同提出的,而且痛苦很少会均等地分配在两人身上,虽然这在甩人者和被甩的人之间没有十分显著的差异。对于那些住在一起并有孩子的人来说,在情感上受到的冲击以及财产上的损失是无法通过寻求迅速的恢复就可以轻易摆脱的。心理学文献中有大量研究表明,分手能导致焦虑、消沉、孤独以及免疫力低下。

虽然在当时会感到痛苦万分,但是人们能够做的,就是对过去发生的事进行反思。执业心理学家雷尼佩顿(Pauline Rennie-Peyton)博士说,在开始一段新感情之前就走出前一段关系是非常重要的。“不论你是否希望结束关系,它不可能总是完美无缺的,” 她说,“人们不会去想‘在这件事当中我有什么错?’ 即使是他们的错误就在于一直在当受气包。你需要对发生的一切担当起一定责任。”

某些人能够对失败的关系一笑置之,但是这并不意味着他们恢复得更快。表露感情可能会更有利健康--尽管这会让情况更混乱。对72名男性和73名女性本科生的随机研究发现,那些被要求写下其关系破裂事件的人会感到不那么紧张和疲惫,并且似乎不太受感冒的侵袭。来自朋友和家人的支持是有帮助的,或者去哭着唱一些你最爱的歌。“如果有一间特别的餐馆你以前常去的,那就和你的朋友们一起回去,”雷尼佩顿建议道,“这是消除晦气的一个办法。”

如果你有机会和并且也意愿的话,不想分手就要进行反思。如雷尼佩顿所言,“当你看到自己困难重重的关系之时,回忆一下初次见面——那时你是否觉得,这家伙就是在几年之后那个你想与之开战并让其感到痛苦的人?如果答案是‘否’,那就问问你自己,都干了些什么让自己深陷现在的处境。感情关系不是一双鞋——并不是一感到有痛你就要马上扔掉它们的。”



Splitting up carries health risks

Steps you can take to avoid heartbreak becoming heart disease.

By Luisa Dillner
The Guardian, Saturday 29 August 2009


Pop songs tell us that breaking up is hard to do, but according to recent research its negative effects can, in fact, last a lifetime. A study of 8,652 people between the ages of 51 and 61 in the Journal Of Health and Social Behavior found that divorce has similar effects to the death of a spouse in increasing the risk (by 20%) of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Divorce, said the authors, had a "lingering, detrimental impact".

Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, whose first husband left her (she is now happily remarried), once wrote, "I still bear the pain of separation with me every day, even though life since then has been extraordinarily blessed for me".

Since those of us who do marry have a chance of getting divorced, and those who cohabit have even more fragile relationships, many of us will have to get over people we might once have hoped to grow old with.

Research shows that fewer than one break-up in 10 is mutual, and that distress is rarely shared equally between couples, although there's not a huge difference between those who did the dumping and those who are dumped. For relationships that had shared homes and children, the emotional fallout and financial unravelling cannot be shrugged off in the pursuit of a rapid recovery. The psychology literature is full of studies showing that break-ups can cause anxiety, depression, loneliness and immune suppression.

It may feel overwhelming at the time, but what people can do is reflect on what has happened. Dr Pauline Rennie-Peyton, a chartered psychologist, says it's important to move on from your previous relationship before starting a new one. "Whether or not you wanted the relationship to end, it can't have been perfect," she says. "People don't think, 'What was my part in this?' Even if their part was to have been a doormat. You need to take some responsibility for what's happened."

Some people can shrug off their failed relationships, but this doesn't mean they recover faster. Emoting may be the healthier, if messier, option. A randomised study of 72 male and 73 female undergraduates found that those assigned to write about their relationship breakdown felt less tense and tired, and were less likely to succumb to colds. Support from friends and family is helpful, as is sobbing to your favourite songs. "If there was a special restaurant you used to go to, go back with your mates," Rennie-Peyton advises. "It's a way of burying ghosts."

An alternative to breaking up, if you have the chance and inclination, is to reconsider. As Rennie-Peyton says, "When you are looking at your difficult relationship, recall when you first met – did you think this was someone you wanted to fight with and make miserable in a few years time? If the answer is 'No', ask what you did to get into the position you're in. Relationships are not pairs of shoes – you don't get rid of them as soon as you feel a twinge."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/29/splitting-up-health-risks
 
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