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主题 : THE WILL TO DO ZT
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楼主  发表于: 2007-08-02   

THE WILL TO DO ZT


If the will is to be resurrected, it must first go to the Cross.

        I have heard it said that the longest journey in life is from the head to the heart. Another way to say the same thing is that the spirit is wiling but the flesh is weak. Yet another aphorism of our time is that beginning well is a momentary thing; finishing well is a lifelong thing. All of these point to one reality--our knowledge and our response are not always in keeping with each other. We seem to be inclined to separate what God intended to remain joined together.

        Solomon proved this  centuries ago. He made a fascinating statement in the Book of Ecclesiastes. He relates all the areas in which he searched for meaning--pleasure, riches, power, fame, and everything else one could imagine. Through all of these forays in a search for fulfillment, he says, "My wisdom stayed with me" (Ecclesiastes 2:9). How is that possible, we ask, when his day-to-day life was a colossal mess? I understand him to mean that in the midst of his duplicity, his theoretical knowledge of right and wrong never left him. He knew how to discern. But he was volitionally weak and unable to resist the tug of attraction into wrong behavior.

        I have shared the following story many times over the years. Those from parts of the world where this is foreign shake their heads in disbelief, wondering how this can even be theoretically plausible, let alone practically workable. But read the reasoning first and then I will try to explain.

        I give you an example of my older  brother, who lives in Toronto, Canada. The story dates back to the late 1960s. At that time he was a systems engineer with IBM. Since that time, he has gone on to do several very impressive things in the world of computer software. In other words, he is mentally all right. He doesn't have any major problem as far as his IQ is concerned, I say that because you may  begin to wonder as I tell his story.

        When he was in his mid-twenties, my brother came to my father and said, "You know, Dad, I've always maintained even when we were in India that I'm only going to marry the girl you choose for me. I guess I am ready now. Would you please begin a search for a girl for me to marry?"

        I really didn't believe he'd go through with it. We were living in Toronto, thousands of miles and a culture planet away from the land of our birth. But  this was his choice. He wanted my parents to help in "The Search." My father and mother said, "Fine. Tell us the kind of young woman you're looking for." My brother gave his "ideal partner" speech and proceeded to describe the kind of person he would choose to marry.

        Under normal circumstances, the parents would travel around and look for somebody that met the criteria, but in this instance my brother said to our father, "Look, you really don't need to do that. Why don't you just write to your sister in Bombay and let her do the groundwork? We'll just correspond  back and forth and take it from there."

        Thus began his quest and what I called our family entertainment hour every night around the table. My father wrote to his sister, and in response came numerous letters with suggestions, photographs, and information sheets ad nauseam. Oh! The jokes that would fly! The unsolicited advice from every member of the family was profuse. The sarcasm, wondering whether this poor woman had the faintest clue of his shortcomings! (From my experience with photographs I have learned that if you find a good photographer and pay him enough, he can make anybody look splendid. One of the first things people do when you arrive for a speaking event is to compare the reality with your publicity photograph. Many times they can probably say, "Twenty years ago he may have looked like that, but now ...")

        Pictures can tell an awful lot that's really not there. The camera can and does lie. But my brother would sit in his  bed at night and look over all those pictures, study the lists of accomplishments and qualifications, and say, "What do you think of this one, Rav? Isn't she lovely? Look at the description. She's even the church organist." I could not resist pointing out how important a feature that was for a successful marriage.

        He narrowed the "applicants" to a short list and, finally focusing on one person, began to correspond with her. Then they advanced to telephone conversations, but not many because that was "too expensive." One could tell that reality was closing in. Finally, believe it or not, they  both felt this was it. The dates for the engagement and the marriage were set with these tow never having met.

        My brother and my father flew from Toronto to Bombay. More than one thousand wedding invitations were sent before my brother and his bride-to-be had ever seen each other. Two days after his arrival was the engagement date and a day or so later was the wedding date. He would then bring his  bride back to Canada, all within a week, and they would live "happily ever after." That, at any rate, was the plan.

        I thought to myself, Oh my! You know, this is faith. Maybe it is even less than that. This is credulity! I began to get really concerned, so before my brother left for Bombay, I mustered up the courage to caution him. I said, "I don't want to challenge anything you're doing, but I do have a brief question. What are you going to do when you arrive in Bombay, come down the jetway and see a young woman standing there with a garland in her hand, and say to yourself, Good grief! I  hope that's not her. I hope that's somebody else! Or she looks at you and thinks to herself, I hope that's not him. I hope that's his brother! What on earth will you do? Are you going to take her aside, talk it over, and then make an announcement saying, 'We have met...we will not  be proceeding with our plans'? Will you get on the telephone or write letters to everybody and say, 'Folks, we've met. The wedding is off.'"

        My brother just stared at me. He said, "Are you through?" I told him that for the moment I was just awaiting his answer. Then he said something that was absolutely defining for him:"Write this down, and don't ever forget it: Love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can."

        That statement brought our conversation to a sudden stop. That was thirty-five years ago. My brother and his wife now have three children and make their home in Toronto. Has it been easy? No. Marriage never is easy. But the challenges they face do not come from an absence of commitment.

        The statement "If you will to love somebody, you can" has the ring of truth,  but deep inside we wonder, How does one"will"? It is a little  bit like ordering somebody to love you. How does one go beyond the discernment to the practice? If knowledge does not guarantee behavior, where does one go to translate the prerequisite into action? Can it really be done?
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沙发  发表于: 2007-08-02   
好长啊,看了好久,汗~~~
my english is pool
but,someday,if i want marrage,i will tell my mom to find a man for me
no mind the appearance,no need to engenders love,just  a man of wealth
because i have loved, my first and the last love…
寒蝉凄切 对长亭晚 骤雨初歇 都门帐饮无绪 留恋处 兰舟催发 执手相看泪眼 竟无语凝噎 念去去 千里烟波 暮霭沉沉楚天阔 多情自古伤离别…
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板凳  发表于: 2007-08-02   
写的很好, 不过, 我不赞成这样的婚姻。  不好意思lotus, 批评一下这文章,  这家人看起来很有钱, 而印度是一个很贫穷的国家。  我不是说这二人没有真爱, 他们是有可能有, 但是在美金的光辉照耀下, 很多东西都会被遮盖。  在美金的光辉照耀下, 打老婆很可能就不是问题, 外遇很可能也不是问题。  这样没问题的老婆, 婚姻当然长长久久。  如果是这老婆的姐姐或妹妹写的话, 我会感动。  不是攻击亚洲男生, 这要是一有钱中国男的说自己很有钱的哥哥在中国娶了一穷人女孩,  然后二人婚姻长长久久, 和和美美的, 我实在会觉的这里面有猫腻。  我是太小人之心度君子之腹呢
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地板  发表于: 2007-08-03   
The point is not money, but will. 
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地下室  发表于: 2007-08-04   
Hope this following essay makes the point clearer.

=================

A FALSE START

        The first thing to bear in mind is that we exaggerate the separation of the emotion and the will as two distinct faculties of operation--some kind of misshapen two-headed monster. Think, for example, of the caricature we make of one difference between men and women. We seem to think that women are more emotionally driven and men more cerebrally driven. If that caricature were true, why is it that more men fall into infidelity after marriage than do women? I think it more appropriate to say that women in general recognize the emotional ramifications of their acts better than men do. Men do feel emotion, but they do so selectively and fail to face the consequences of reality. Betray a man and you find out that his emotions surge to the top. I believe that a legitimate understanding of what is happening here can preserve the grand union between emotion and will.

        Without the will, marriage is a mockery; without emotion, it is a drudgery. You need both.

        We like the side dealing with emotion, not the will. I have now been married more than thirty years. I often look back at the time when I was on the other side of the marital line and remember how I thought about marriage then. One particular conversation stands out. A year before I was married, I was sitting in a Christian education class when the professor quite dramatically started to philosophize about life. Commenting on the home, he said, "I want you students to know that love is hard work."

        I leaned over to my classmate and whispered, "I wouldn't want to be married to anybody who goes around telling everybody how hard it is to love me."

        He said, "I agree with you. Why don't you ask him about it?" Like a fool, I did.

        I stood up and said, "Excuse me, sir...I am not quite comfortable with your categorization of love as 'hard work'"

        The professor stared at me, evidently not taking too kindly to my challenge, and demanded, "Zacharias, are you married?"

        When I responded, "No, sir," he said, "Then why don't you just be quiet and sit down? You don't have a clue what you are talking about." I sat down.

        One year later I was married. After being married all these years, i can unblushingly say, he was right. Love is hard work. I would carry it one step further. It is the hardest work I know of, work from which you are never entitled to take a vacation. You take on burdens and cares. You inherit problems. You have to feel  beyond yourself. You have to think of things other than yourself. your responsibilities are now multiplied, and you are trusted with greater commitment.

        You see, the easiest part of our marriage was the wedding ceremony. I remember arriving at the church early. I could hardly wait. As the church filled with guests and the appropriate music was played for the ceremony to  begin, I turned to see my bride enter the sanctuary. No, I did not think of all the weddings I had gate-crashed or  of all the ceremonies I had witnessed. This was not someone else's wedding; this was a special moment for us. It was one of the most ecstatic feelings the human heart could ever endure. There is no word in the English dictionary to describe it except the word Wow! It was the crystallization of my every romantic dream. That which was once far off was now near. That which I longed for was now in hand.

        As Margie came up the aisle to join me at the front of the church, my heart was in a flutter. So much so that when the minister told me in old English to "salute the  bride," out of sheer nervousness I was on the verge of literally saluting her. There is nothing so magnificent as a beautiful, blushing bride behind a veil that cannot hide the radiant glow of a dream coming true. If the flutter of a heart were all that one needs to fly, the groom would soar to celestial heights. No! The groom does not need to soar at that moment, for God Himself comes near and says, This is My precious gift to you. Receive it with reverence and guard it with diligence.

        The ceremony was followed by the reception. What a wonderful way to celebrate with friends. At the end of the reception we drove to the honeymoon capital of North America--Niagara Falls--where we stayed for the night at Michael's Inn. (Thankfully, Michael wasn't.) From there it was on to Cape Cod, Massachusetts. I remember carrying her over the threshold. My heart was as full as I had hoped it would be. I had an overwhelming sense of gallantry as I carried her into the room.

        At about two o'clock in the morning, Margie got up. I thought, surely the honeymoon couldn't be over already ... where is she going?  So I asked, "Where are you going, honey?" She answered, "I'm going to get a glass of water." I said, "Stay right here, I'll get it for you." That was May 6, 1972. I was thrilled to get up at two o'clock in the morning and get her a glass of water. My! What sacrifice!

        But five years go by. Someone has wryly quipped, "Sacrifice in America is when the electric blanket doesn't work." So one night I find myself comfortably tucked in bed, and about two or three o'clock, I hear the rustle of the sheets. She's getting up again, and the temptation is to pull the covers over my face and cease to hear anything at that moment--for at least one reason. She looked different. You see, on May 6, 1972, she looked grand. Absolutely grand! But five years later, she had some funny things in her hair at night that generally prompted one question, "What stations are you able to get under that influence?" I have been chided for that remark many times so I should add that she no longer wears them. Times have changed. But I do recall that night. Somehow the first word that leaped into my mind was not the word Wow! But I still do the right thing, because the tug of love is a commitment stronger than merely the flutter of the heart.

        Chivalry in love has nothing to do with the sweetness of the appearance. It has everything to do with the tenderness of a heart determined to serve. That is the first hard lesson to learn. You do not act under the impetus of charm but out of a commitment to make someone's life the joy you want it to be. In the early days of marriage, joy precedes the act. Tragically, as the years go by joy can  be severed from the act until finally, the act itself is no more. This ought not to be. Over time it is the companionship that brings joy, and service is the natural outworking of the joy of commitment. Failure to act kills it.

        William Doherty begins his excellent book Take Back Your Marriage with a powerful illustration. His office is located in St. Paul, Minnesota, not far from the farthest point north on the Mississippi River. He describes the river's formidable but silent current that drives its waters southward. "Everything on the water that is not powered by wind, gasoline, or human muscle" heads south. Then he adds these words: "I have thought that getting married is like launching a canoe into the Mississippi at St. Paul. If you don't paddle, you go south. No matter how much you love each other, no matter how full of hope and promise and good intentions, if you stay on the Mississippi without a good deal of paddling--occasional paddling is not enough--you end up in New Orleans. Which is a problem if you want to stay north."

        But this kind of commitment does not come easily. Only if it is taken seriously does it become a sheer delight of the heart. I will also add that this kind of commitment is not seen much in the times in which we live. The reason we have a crisis in our gender relationships is not  that we are culturally indoctrinated but that would rather  be served than serve. We would rather be the head than the feet. The Christian faith stands unique in pointing out that the Son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost. The Son of Man came to serve. This means that the service He gave to humanity was given even when we least merited that sacrifice. There is a joy in service that transcends emotional temporariness.
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5楼  发表于: 2007-08-04   
婚姻跟爱情无关呀。 唉
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6楼  发表于: 2007-08-04   
Lotus 这标题和第二篇文章太有道理呢。  唉, 我们夫妻这几天大吵小吵不断。 
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7楼  发表于: 2007-08-05   
Username,  I am sorry to hear that you are in the middle of a strong current in the River of Marriage.  

I have never been in your shoes. It must be very painful fighting with the person you love most. 

Not an expert on this issue,  I can only say a tip proved by my friends' marriages -
- Don't argue with him; just love him, no matter how unlovable he seems at that moment.
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8楼  发表于: 2007-08-05   
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引用第7楼lotus于08-05-2007 18:38发表的  :
Username,  I am sorry to hear that you are in the middle of a strong current in the River of Marriage.  

I have never been in your shoes. It must be very painful fighting with the person you love most. 

Not an expert on this issue,  I can only say a tip proved by my friends' marriages -
.......

谢谢,改改错,真的谢谢了。
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