- If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- You can't remember who sent you this list.