噩梦
2008年08月04日
昨夜没睡好,做了一夜的噩梦。偶得爹说,梦其实是大脑皮层的活动,基本上一个你认为特别漫长的梦,其实也就几秒。可这几秒闹得我心里的伤痛啊,特堵。
梦里自己在欧洲,约好了与偶得爹在巴黎曾经住过的小屋相见,他奔过去见我。人都到巴黎了,拖着行李进地铁站,眼见一辆地铁徐徐关门,二话不说赶紧跳进去,进去就发现不对,里面的广播听不懂说什么,但依稀觉得这车是开到俄罗斯类似于西伯利亚的地方,内心一紧,可能忙中出错上错车了,那个车厢还是一间密闭的房间一样,里面稀稀落落横七竖八躺了几个人,用英语问里面的人下一站哪里停,没一个人听的懂,大家都懒洋洋的,感觉已经坐了好几天了,且还打算坐几天的长征架势。心里特别紧张,因为那个列车看不见窗外,是闷罐车的样子,类比二战集中营拉犹太人去毒气室的车,更怕这是那种夕发朝至的车,等一停,外面已经是白雪皑皑,手机没信号,没法联系偶得爹,他等不到我,会担心的。
连比带划地跟人解释我坐错车了,想知道下站离发车的巴黎有多远,突然发现一张亚裔的脸,说法语,我和他鸡同鸭讲,我焦急中蹦出一句“不是的”中文,他马上放松地用中文答:“中国人啊,费劲!”跟我说这辆车是开往车臣的,下一站就到捷克了,可以坐回来的去巴黎,耐心等几个小时吧!
惴惴不安到了捷克,已经这程度了,只能这样了,我又不能让列车为我停,下车的时候一大堆人拥挤上车,我的包被挤得不成样子,我看见人的手在我包里掏,大声求救却没办法,好多人追着我打劫,我出了车站身上没护照,没钱,什么都没有,我在捷克一片茫然。
眼见着去巴黎的车进站了,我只能在车门关上前的一刹那蹦上车开始我的逃票之旅。我的心里只有一个念头,赶紧找到偶得爹,找到他,一切就好了。我跟查票员解释我的悲惨遭遇,跟他说我口袋里没一分钱,恳请他让我坐到巴黎,查票员毫不同情的样子,冷漠的表情仿佛对我这样的见怪不怪,如果没钱,马上就把我扔出窗外,我当时眼泪都要掉下来。
旁边一个好心的白人妹妹往我口袋里塞了些钱,我一看,79欧,特别急切而诚恳地告诉她,请你给你的电话和地址,我一定把钱还你,我有钱,我有好多钱,只是现在没了,你要相信我!女孩子笑笑,意思是算了,我特别困难地张口,可我还想借你电话用一下,我要给我丈夫打电话,让他来接我。男孩说,电话我借你,你打吧!
我拨偶得爹的号码,没有应答。
旁边一个年轻帅男孩说:“你要去哪里,我送你去。”我突然就站在那里,张口结舌,巴黎那间小屋,我去过,我见过,可我就是说不出地址!
绝望的感觉。
突然翻包,从旮旯里找出房东的电话,拨给她,半天,有人接却没人说话。我犹豫了半天问,有人吗?对方的声音传来,一个女声:“你是六六吧,我是房东小芳,你丈夫给我发了封信,说他不会来了,寄了一包东西给你,你过来拿吧!”
那一刻的难过,让我真希望自己此刻就坐在车臣的车上,没有下来,不知道他没去巴黎的消息。
费那么大的力气,就为了与他相聚,却发现伊人已去了。
也许我就不该来巴黎。
现在在记叙那段故事,远没有梦里那么绝望。梦真切到让我仿佛就置身在列车上,身体在摇晃,心在破碎。异乡,没有认识的人,没有钱,没有依靠。
很久没有做偶得爹的梦了,没想到竟是这样的。
伤感。
我不知道,我还会梦这个男人多久,多长。
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