答读者问:文章的缘起是想说一段婚外恋的。
(回答: 六六,能否谈谈写作王贵和安娜的背景? 由 莫愁湖 于 March 26, 2003 🙂
我开始想写一段我自己熟知的婚外恋。
整天在网上看见谁谁又挣脱婚姻的枷锁出墙了,谁谁又扔下老婆老公和孩子追求幸福去了。
什么是幸福?幸福是一种日积月累,是一种沉淀,是一种过往生活的堆积。
我在试图用我的第三只眼睛看幸福。同样的故事,同样的对话,发生在不同的夫妻身上,因为不同的处理方法,得到的结果截然不同。幸福是一种感觉,你注意到其中细如发丝的微小眼神,你忽略了无心的过错,你放平了生活好象舞台剧的心态,只如喝茶般慢慢适应由浓烈到随和,由刺激到不经意的一缕微甜,你就会觉得幸福。
曾有一段我和所有的妻子一样,试图改造我的丈夫,想让他按照我心目中的老公的样子发展,我还读了很多书,我还觉得我很聪明,凭我的努力,我就不信收拾不了他!
我指责他的生活习惯,我指责他不努力工作,我指责他对生活态度的随意,我指责他对我的不上心。诸多的指责的累积,造成了我们之间的巨大隔阂,两个人不能在一起坐下来超过10分钟,不然一定是不欢而散。
我把生活当成电影电视上放的一样,主动制造了很多悬念,常唱处于高潮状态,等待下回分解。争执激烈处都还拳头相向,刀光剑影。几次我都将分手放在口边。或者他将分手放在口边。
冷静下来,觉得又舍不得。这一分,就将过去的好几年的生活抛在脑后,仿佛割断了历史。生命中好长一段成了空白。
我后来想,分手我都能接受,我还不能接受他的什么?我决定冷战,以理性看他表演。
真处在分手边缘,我经常出乎意料地发现他的爱。他也以为我们要分开了,所有的关怀都是发自内心的,并不是为了刻意讨好,既然都要分开了,为什么不留点好印象?
他从不说爱我,却知道我怕黑,每次上楼前先冲进去拉亮路灯;一起出门的时候我注意路两边的服饰,他留心哪里有厕所。因为我肠胃不好,一旦有感觉,是一刻都忍不住的,他总是很细心地马上告诉我附近的厕所。这已经成为他生活的习惯了。
他有时候会忽略我的感受,并不去在意我的那些莫名其妙的风花雪月,在他,他觉得不可理解。至于为部电影眼泪成河吗?至于抱着只小鸟感情澎湃吗?
但在我遭遇人生重大挫折的时候,他总是非常坚定地站在我的身边,告诉我只要有他在,我就不会是这世界上最糟的人。
我想,相依为命的感觉也不过就是如此吧!
我常寻找自以为的爱情。因为我喜欢被宠被爱的感觉。我的确找到过我以为的爱情。我很喜欢那个飘渺的男人,我觉得对他的感情比对我身边这个强烈多了。我甚至想抛弃这个家跟他走。
结果他说:“你爱他要多过我。你并不觉得。”
我想,明眼人都能看出来,为什么我象个瞎子?
我现在过得很随意,自己想怎样就怎样,也给他同样随意的空间。即便他把腿都翘到我的眼睛跟前了,我也视而不见。即便他喝汤的时候呼噜呼噜,我也觉得声音自然。即便有时候他很懈怠,我也觉得随他去吧!人是人不是神,就那么短短几十年,干吗要把家搞得跟牢狱一样?己挥鹗┯肴恕?
我们现在相安无事,有时候还很快乐。
我看过爸爸妈妈的爱情生活。从不爱到爱到无法分开,越老,两个人的手牵得越紧。我想,两个不相干的人到最后都能变成血亲,为什么我们曾经深爱过,还要分开?
珍惜你现在拥有的,多检讨自己,多要求自己,少要求别人,少提不切实际的要求,其实幸福根本就不曾离开。
我看《王贵与安娜》 By:浮生
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