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长微博：一念起，一念落

一念起，一念落

来源:长微博  作者：六六  2015年01月14日

我本来不愿意写这篇文章，后来是朋友告诉我，你应该把思路告诉女性朋友们，这样才会更多人受益，最起码让那些希望日子变好的女人们受益，我于是整理出来。

12月30号去参加东方直播室节目，这节目在上海收视应该是不错的。我因与骆新有几次交集，比较喜欢他的主持风格，于是欣然前往。原本三小时应该录两个故事的，结果三小时只录了一个故事。虽然我没看播出的效果，但从网络上有网友表示愤怒来看，肯定剪的是我对立的观点。

有个观众到电视上声讨丈夫和法律不援助自己，已经200多天没见到孩子，丈夫把孩子抢走了，自己用尽方法不能要回孩子。我在现场表达了我对她的反对意见。我反对的是她在婚姻中，一步一步将自己逼到没有退路的做法。我认为这样的处理是不理性的。节目中我曾经给予她很多建议，不知是否播出，但都被她顶回来了，也就是说，她沉浸在自己的痛苦里，把心门关上，甚至不愿意听局外人对她有利的忠告。

她说她的婚姻不幸源于第二个孩子的出生。她得了产后忧郁症，脾气很恶劣，心情很坏，做了或说了很多让老公愤怒的话。她把这一切归咎于产后忧郁症而老公没有在这时候给予她足够的同情和帮助。

我当时问她，你如何知道自己得产后忧郁的？你去求医了吗？你服药了吗？接受专业心理咨询并寻求帮助了吗？她说没有，她只是自己觉得。

这本身是很大的问题。你拿着生病的报告单请求丈夫的支援和你举着一个借口生事并让丈夫接受，这是两桩完全不同的结果。你病了，你没有得到专业的治疗，却任由自己病程拖长，把小事件酿造成无可挽回，不断扩大后果，这是婚姻中很要命的症结。

我跟她分析，她家的很多问题是南北差异。丈夫是陕西人，她家是上海人。上海女人是要当家作主的，陕西男人是要当家作主的。上海女人是要男人顺从和呵护的，陕西男人是要女人顺从和体谅的，本身就有地域差别。两个人有没有想过找一个妥协的路径？女方的父母一直住在她的家里，本身对男方就很压抑了，母亲在家又当家作主，丈夫很多原本可以正常沟通的途径，碍于丈母娘，就不会跟你讲。你若再因为产后抑郁对男方过多要求，他一定会反弹。你跟丈夫的沟通，足够吗？

丈夫出门了你查电话，追踪到办公室，我能理解你是关心，甚至是病态的紧张，但丈夫和丈夫的同事朋友能理解吗？丈夫有颜面吗？

丈夫离家出走了，你去单位堵他，丈夫提离婚了，你不同意。已经分居很久了你不离婚，他抢夺了孩子逼迫你离婚，你不是坐下来跟他谈，而是到处找，私家侦探找到孩子的时候嘱咐你勿打草惊蛇，你第一反映就是发短信告诉丈夫“我已经知道孩子在哪里了……”你甚至说，为了孩子，已经决定下跪给他们家人看，让他们可怜可怜你，亲爱的，你以为生活真的是琼瑶剧吗？你下跪的目的是什么？让他们还给你孩子，还是不离婚？法律可以帮你解决抚养权抚养费财产的问题，但法院解决不了你内心的憎恨、不甘心和沉沦。

我整台节目做下来，发现一个问题：很多女性在遇到大事的时候，做的每一项决定，都是与自己内心真实的想法背道而驰的——也就是说，你做的每一件事，都向着不利于自己的方向发展。

你希望离婚吗？

直到节目的最后，我发现这位妈妈内心里都不确定自己要不要离婚。大妹子，你要是不要离婚，你上台来控诉你丈夫作甚？你把男人究竟当朋友还是敌人？你要是真要离婚，你为之做了哪些准备？经济上、精神上和未来的规划，你都做好了吗？你现在的精神不稳定状态，根本不适合带两个娃一起生活啊？

我给这位妈妈的评论是，你的行动力快于你的思想力。你脑子没想清楚你要什么，你就先做。因为你静不下来，你静下来会慌张，你没有思路。很多重大的决定，如果你一个月想不清楚，你就想一年，一年想不清楚，你就想十年，比你一个月之内把所有事情搞砸要强得多。

人的内心里，藏着一个天使和一个魔鬼。人在愤怒的时候，往往把命运交给魔鬼，通常那个决定是“我过不好，也不会让你好过”，这是所有决策中的下下选。如果你耐心等到天使做主，你会发现，一定有一个结局是“你好我也好”的。

而且很多女性离异之后，几乎否定了前夫和前半生。那个男人是你选的，那个前半生是自己的，无论它好它坏，它都是由你自己编织的，为什么要否定它而不是接受它？为什么不能承认自己的不完美，承认自己的选择，并试着回放自己在年轻时相爱瞬间的美好？

尤其是对那些有孩子的女性来说，你不爱了不是恨，而是宽恕——这不是宽恕那个你恨的人，而是宽恕那个你恨的自己——因为错误是两个人共同犯下的，你不原谅他，你就无法原谅自己的愚蠢。——人这辈子，谁不蠢几回呢？

我离完婚以后有一段曾想过把小三的不堪录像发给她丈夫。这个念头出来以后，我努力让自己平静下来，读书，与朋友聊天，听音乐，感受生活中光明和美好的事情，并问自己，你这样做的目的是什么？你希望有人为你失败的婚姻买单吗？你如果静心想，她的出现不是原因而是结果。你自己不快乐了，就要另一个家庭或无辜的孩子为此破裂？而且你怎能左右过后的生生不息的报复？她万一失去一切后硫酸泼你儿子怎么办？你怎能掌控那个人的心智？我于是放下怨念，让一个不好的循环在我这里终止。现在我很感恩上天，祂给予我理智的回报是，我很快就踏进新生活，并良性运转起来。我没有让一个小坑变成不可逾越的陷阱。

人每一天在做的事，就是战胜心魔。你越强大，你心里的阴影就越小，能够左右你的魔鬼就越逃离，你就越能做自己生命的主人。其实产后忧郁这事，每个女性都会遇见，因为它是生理现象，从很高的激素水平突然降至正常水平，落差就是让人失衡。但不是每个女性一生都沦陷在产后抑郁里。

增长理性和智慧，减少哀怨和谩骂，多动脑子，少动情绪，你才会做最好的自己，从而遇见前路上最好的你，并有与之相配的好机遇。
一念起，一念落。

生活的好与坏，就在一念之间。控制好你的念头，你才能做生命的主人。

（文章版权所有，媒体转载前请联系[email protected]；题图取自互联网）

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【相关视频】东方直播间2015年1月12日节目：《最亲密的伤害》

　

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