《蜗居》作者六六 妙谈男女之事
来源:《嘉人》2011年5月刊 作者:编辑:michelle & 六六 2011年10月20日
《双面胶》、《蜗居》作者六六谈男女
恋爱是欢愉的,而婚姻是事务所
见到六六时,她已经像个车轱辘超负荷旋转了几天,但神采奕奕,嗓门高亢,毫不掩饰自己的没心没肺,横冲直撞。她正和旁边的女孩闲聊,说自己“不爱看《欲望都市》和《绝望主妇》,更喜欢《生活大爆炸》。
M.C.:恋爱中的男女关系和婚姻中的男女关系有什么区别?
六六:恋爱欢愉,而婚姻是个事务所,两个人一块儿干。有些人可以跳过欢愉的过程,直接进入事务性的环节。但是我不行,我还是要享受那个欢愉的过程,才能处理各种繁琐的事务。
M.C.:重要的是享受爱的欢愉?
六六:最近看到一个新闻,说一个外国老太太活到一百多岁,记者问她长寿的秘诀,她的回答是她终生没有恋爱,到现在都还是处女。我不知道她活这么长时间,完全没有恋爱过,这到底是奖励还是惩罚。
M.C.:感情会随着各种繁琐的事务减少还是增加?
六六:这是一个渐变的过程,从最初的新奇刺激,到习惯,渐渐厌烦,进入一个瓶颈期,觉得没有突破。工作没有突破你还可以先放下,婚姻没有突破就只能面临离婚了。婚姻是一项系统工程,如果你进入婚姻,就需要用心经营这个系统工程。爱情包含在婚姻中,但它们不是一回事儿。我不能因为合伙人今晚去和一个客户吃饭,明天就跟他散伙。
M.C.:物质对于爱情有多重要?
六六:在有爱情的那一刻,真的有爱情的那一刻,物质是完全不存在的。但是那一刻是很短暂的,再往后的其实都是和物质有关的问题。
M.C.:结婚一定要有房有车才幸福?
六六:对自己未来有预期,相信未来会过得比现在更好的人,是不会这么想的。不能把眼光定格在二十岁,认为自己到了四十岁还是二十岁的状态。重要的是你有没有一切重新开始的勇气和胆量。我25岁时放弃在中国做得很好的事业,去了新加坡,做得很好。33岁时放弃新加坡的事业,回到中国,一样做得很好。这个做不了,就做别的。不管在什么地方,都可以重新开始。
M.C.:很多女性常常抱怨自己为爱人付出太多,但没有得到相应的回报。
六六:如果你做一件事情,从来没有要求回报,那你得到的一定比希望的要多。你对他好的目的是要他对你好或者对你有回报,这个态度会让你变得不快乐。付出和回报其实是没有什么关系的,比如我养育一个孩子,享受孩子现在给我带来的快乐就行了,而不应该期望老了以后孩子来养我。对于男人,你自己有足够的选择权,你可以选择爱他或者不爱他,如果你付出了感到不快乐,那不是他的问题,而是你的问题。情感和投资完全是两个概念。你做投资不研究透彻,很可能血本无归,但是感情,你研究和喜不喜欢完全是两码事。关键是你对他好,你是不是享受。
M.C.:也有许多女性常常觉得和爱人在一起不幸福。
六六:可能是心态和年龄没有成正比。如果你以18岁的心态,来迎接你的35岁,肯定是不行的。不是每个人都能按比例成长,两性关系里,总有一个人成长快,另一个人成长较慢。若感情不到位,你可以选择分开,去找那个和你高度差不多的人。但你真的喜欢对方,那就学着去适应。我和丈夫有过一段时间很痛苦,原因就是我走得比他快。你不能因为自己走得快就怪别人吧?你只能接受现状,并且帮助他进步,否则他就永远不可能追上你了。其实生活就是这样的,先失衡,再平衡,再失衡,再平衡,就像只有一个支点的天平。
M.C.:但是对女性来说,这样的机会成本是很高的。
六六:像王菲、洪晃就不会这样想。我发现一个特征,这些女人都不依附他人。如果你把自己放在附属的地位,当然会觉得机会成本高。很多女人在索取的时候会觉得我是女性,而其他时候却表现出一个强势的状态。她永远是攫取自己想要的东西,以性别角色去攫取人最大利润。只有当你内心足够强大的时候,才不会让人感觉到强势。
(全文请参阅《嘉人》2011年5月刊)
http://www.marieclairechina.com/love/story/liuliu-20111020/(article)/full
“《嘉人》杂志:《蜗居》作者六六 妙谈男女之事”上的2条回复
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