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李平儿的遭遇

李平儿的遭遇

Posted: 03-01-2007

在李平儿的本命年刚过十天的节日气氛中,李平儿于昨日傍晚时分因公负伤,成为二等戊级残废,他的余生将在我的照料下悲惨度过.

之所以说他因公负伤,是因为惨案发生的时候他是在给儿子讲故事.这也是平’儿同志不幸中的万幸.他若是在泡妞,打游戏,抽烟等一系列个人休闲娱乐中造成意外伤害,他将得到不仅仅是肉体上的创伤,更有精神上的打击.迎接他的不仅仅是不可磨灭的疤痕,更有被我暴打血流满地的额外伤害,并且一纸离婚证书会在他愈合伤口的过程中直接砸在他脸上.

但人有时候就是这样的幸运.虽然他劣迹斑斑,以上透露只是其劣迹中非常小的一部分,但也是在一天24小时中多半都会出现的场景.偏巧他昨天摔倒的那一刹那,他的人性是光辉的,照亮了他一向卑微的形象.他在给儿子读故事(绝无仅有,MAYBE人生头一遭?),正逢手机响,他丢下儿子往手机方向奔,不小心踏在他爹埋下的地雷上,而那地雷,是他娘友情赞助给他爹的.平儿同志应声摔倒,面无人色,冷汗直冒,抱团不起.

当时六六正在上课.若平时,六六同志是24小时手机STAND BY的,但因为昨天恰巧在批评学生(这也是我教书生涯中绝无仅有的事情),为维护批评的连续性及严肃性,六六老师把手即给关了.平儿同学未能在第一时间向老婆求救.(教训啊!同志们，千万不要对老婆百分百信任.李平儿把所有社会关系及相关电话号码全部放在六六手中,险些丢了性命.)

平儿同学给不用心打求救电话,不用心同学也是逃窜得不见踪影.好好一个大男人蹲在地上半小时,打了一圈电话,其实就想问问召出租车的电话号码,却没人问没人管.

好不容易找到救星,也赶着六六同学下课了,李平儿同学被送到医院救治,被诊断为ELBOW骨折,肘关节的骨头戳得透过厚厚的肥肉和肌肉,都快出皮了.(哎哑哑!!!!!)医生建议手术治疗.

现在,平’儿同学正躺在中央医院的A等病房里,乖乖等我去给他洗澡擦脸.

平儿问,开刀会有疤痕吗?医生答,够长.平而沮丧,认为他的魅力值会因此疤痕而折损过半.我则不屑一顾,一个已经嫁了的男人,还臭美什么呀,他手臂因为带儿子多道疤,我肚皮因为生儿子多条疤,这样俩人不就又达到丑陋的和谐了吗? 我们曾经有过的爱情,若带着儿子,儿子是活证明,若没带着儿子,俩人各掀衣服以示夫妻.(当然,我的位置比较低,有走光之嫌).以前曾建议他跟我去一道文身,他文个鸳,我文个鸯,要么他文个露,我文个水.现在不必了,我俩的疤凑一起,就是锤子加镰刀,共产主义的标志.(我的钱又被他给共产了)

而且,他是为了照顾儿子而破相的,自此有了挂靠我的理由,我是无论怎么不情愿,都不再好意思提甩了他的.毕竟,人家为这个家,曾经抛胳膊撒热血.

医生讲,要把断骨取出,钉上根铁钉.他大叫说:"以后上飞机不是通不过安检?坚决不要."

医生说,没问题,会给他发个CERTIFICATE,证明其体内含有重金属.

我大笑点头说:今后可以跟平儿同学飞机上贩卖枪火,做一对快乐地雌雄大盗.

医生讲,手术后,平’儿同学将不可能恢复到原有状态,手会翻转不灵活.平儿很是伤感,认为自己几近残疾,终生需要我喂饭.我晚上一边喂一边嘀咕,最终忍不住说:"你好象不是左撇子吧?为什么伤了左手要我喂?"

饭后,还替平儿同学洗了个澡.他赞我挠痒痒功夫一流,我说是挠猫积累的经验.人这一生无时不在学习,你不知道哪天自己平日里攒的雕虫小技就派上用场.

我狞笑着答:"报仇!想我每天早上要你帮着系BRA的时候,你你你…….为什么那样?嘿嘿嘿嘿,没想到自己也有这一天吧!任人宰割,任人摆布."

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