上篇:遭遇大耳窿
早上,劳工有MEETING,这是他一周唯一要早起的一天,而这是我一周唯一可以睡懒觉的一天。
正睡的迷糊,听见劳工在大门口喊:“六,快来看!”不想起,不理他。听他叫声不断,“快来快来!”心下恼怒,想来肯定是又找不到袜子了,或宝宝拉稀屎,继续不理。“快呀!看我家门上这是什么?”
只好两眼都没睁一半地跑出去,一看,呆住了。
满门,满地都是鲜血。
我第一个反应就是:“不是我干的。”
过后又不太确认,很紧张地问劳工:“没见我有梦游的习惯吧?我昨晚不记得梦过杀人了。”劳工笑了,说,杀人?尸体你搬哪里去了?
劳工摸了摸门上的血迹,说:“一半油漆一半血啦!”
我说,报警吧?他说,好。你处理,我见老板去了。
他掉头走了,家里就剩我一个。
打电话给警察局,警察不问我家状况如何,却问我欠人家钱没有,非常恼火。
不多一会儿,来了俩警察,其中一个华人样子的,帅帅哟!后悔早上起来也不打扮打扮,脸都没来得及洗,更别提化妆了,就穿条花睡裤在帅哥哥面前晃来晃去。
帅哥哥拿着相机照相,另一个则问情况。一问我都三不知。突然,他问:“你认识谁叫LIM CHUAN CHIA吗?”我说不认识。警察抱歉笑笑,说,我看是大耳窿追债追错门啦!有个叫LIM CHUAN CHIA的欠了高利贷,留的是这附近某幢楼你家的门牌号。上周另一幢的这个门牌号也被泼了一门的漆。
帅哥哥还带我到走廊尽头电梯口那里看大耳窿留下的电话号码。
下面的问题就是善后了。警察很和蔼地告诉我:“你可以给市镇理事局打电话,他们会过来负责清理公共环境。比方说门外的油漆,墙上的字等等,不必担心。”“那我家的门呢?”“啊!这个!这个我想大约得你自己处理了。”“WHAT?我招谁惹谁了?凭什么要我处理?我怎么处理?”“很容易的啦!你去买瓶天拿水,拿块抹布擦一擦,一下就干净了。地上也是哦!”
“我擦可以。但你不抓住泼的人,我这边擦完了,他那边再泼我怎么办?谁保护我的权益?”警察又是抱歉一笑说:“真对不起,我们也没办法啦!上次那个也没抓住。”“不是留了电话号码?”“没用的啦!这是临时号码,一去查,就是割断的。”“那我可以在门口贴个告示吗?说屋主系谁,请勿骚扰。”“也不可以的啦!公共场所不能张贴啊!”哦,了解!只有坏人搞破坏的权利,没有好人申诉的权利,连个辩解都不可以。
帅哥哥与其同伙走了。独留我对着花门空叹气。
再去打电话给市镇理事局,答约,马上就到。不出20分钟,人家就背着天那水,带着拖把和墙粉来了。我可怜巴巴地问:“能替我一并清洁吗?”彬彬有礼地回答:“对不起,不可以。”
干事情果然够绝,清理范围只限门外走廊和外墙,有一滴红漆一半在门上一半甩在墙上,他们小心地擦去了墙上那半滴,留半滴给我。
去草堂发飚,很生气很冤枉,草堂的姐妹们居然给我建议:“这只是泼你门警告而已,万一绑架你呢?万一泼硫酸呢?我看你还是出去躲两天,黑社会惹不起啊!”我吓的赶紧收拾包裹。收拾到一半反应过来不对——什么世道?我啥都没欠咋还跟做贼一样呢?
下篇:一扇门而已
由于轻信警官的话,我乐观地告诉劳工,只要去买瓶天那水回来擦擦就可以了。
跑到附近油漆店老板那里一问,过程极其复杂。首先,我们要买一瓶氨水洗木门铁门,买一瓶天那水洗地板。其次我们要买一把铲子把门上已经起了化学反应的油漆铲掉,再买砂纸将门磨平,然后用湿布将门清洗干净。等门干以后再抹上油漆。“不会很复杂,一扇门而已嘛!差不多两天就够了。”
“我要不要请人来干啊?”我对自己和劳工的手艺心存怀疑,主要是不想麻烦,一个星期累下来,好不容易休息两天,全贡献给大耳窿了。“不要啦!自己做比较省。你包给别人做,最少200多块,自己做才30块而已嘛!他们干活时间不长的,但却要你两天工钱,因为很长时间都在等干啊!等天那水干,等湿门干,等油漆干,等也付钱多不划算?”新加坡的老板都是这样精打细算,而且听他语气这样轻松,我与劳工便有了信心。
“一桶漆够不够?”“够!一扇门而已嘛!”“一桶氨水够不够?”“够!一扇门而已嘛!”“一张砂纸够不够?”“都够都够!你住那么近,不够临时来买也可以啊!何必浪费?不过一扇门而已。”
劳工还是很谨慎地要求老板给我们分别拿两把刷子,两张砂纸和两把铲子。“何必浪费?一扇门而已,用完以后也是丢。”老板好心规劝。
劳工诡秘一笑说:“两个人干活比较快。”当场撅嘴,问他,你怎么讲话不算话?以前说洗衣服烧饭是女人活儿,你不好插手,你只干男人活儿。结果家里灯坏了你打电话叫人来修,水龙头坏了也是花钱请人来装,门锁坏了一年了你都不修。好不容易刷漆了,你还要我出手?下辈子我也要做男人。
劳工拼命点头说:“一定一定,下辈子我做老婆你做丈夫,既然这辈子已经这样了,还是一起干好了。”
先刷天那水。刚开始不晓得厉害,不小心滴到胳膊上一滴,顿时开始烧我肌肤,赶紧换了长裤长衫,套上塑料袋在手上。
很节省地用,刚够把铁门和木门涮一遍。
然后就是等化学反应。
门上的油漆象癞蛤蟆的皮一样纷纷突起。两个钟头后开始铲。
铲是一件很BORING的事情,夫妻俩半夜里一人一把小铲子划好地域以后分片包干。当人在干一样重复性不需要技能光需要力气的活的时候,就觉得工作是件很无趣的事情。想起一个笑话,说的是非洲的部落在接到编制蒲包的工作以后,每加一百个就要加价格。进口商觉得不理解,酋长说:“总重复同一样工作,我们需要多一点钱刺激。”我觉得这个酋长很有头脑,说出了我的心声。
我横铲铲,竖铲铲,斜铲铲,上铲铲,下铲铲,东铲铲,西铲铲。
劳工与我完全不同风格。他以数学家缜密而规矩的方式在进行工作,将他的区域再细分成N个小方格,开展攻坚战,基本上铲完一块再进行下一块。
我于是总结,铲油漆即性格。
一看我的铲刀划过的路线,就是浪漫主义田园派,挥手之处,一片创作。从正面看象逶迤的山麓,从侧面看,象流动的沙丘,从下面看,象冰川世纪的壑沟,诗人气质在举手间倾泻无疑。为表示我的作品的独一无二,还特地拿笔勾勒出一只小兔子的图形,慢慢沿线条修补,不一会,就门上就跃然一只小兔。
我跟劳工说,我打算在天明之前,把12生肖刻出来。
完了就开始臭劳工;“你家前世一看就是农民出身。你看你种的田,要多周正有多周正,田耕得细,秧插得密,依情势看,今年该有个好收成。”
劳工很蔑视地看我一眼说:土。
这都看不出?我在画国际象棋的棋盘呢!我是错格铲的。
铲了一个钟头,我的腰也酸了背也疼,手都开始发抖,我还是左撇子,左右手双开工都支持不住了。第一次觉得,我家这个门怎么这样辽阔啊!别说刻12生肖,就是把夜间动物园都刻上也绰绰有余。
劳工也坐在地上口吐白沫。
他问我:“你说文革的时候父母都下乡劳改,每天干活十个钟头,怎么撑下来的?”
我回答:“信念。相信自己最终一定能回城。我们现在就缺乏这种信念,我有预感,我们一定干不了这体力活儿,我建议趁我们还未被完全套牢的时候,赶紧请个工人。”
“那不行。这都干一半了,你说工人一看情形就知道我们干不了了,敲我们竹杠,要得比刚开始干还贵,我们是答应还是不答应?”
“反正我答应。我不能将一个作家宝贵的写作时间投入到无聊的铲门工作里。”
“你一到干活就是作家,一到享受就是夫人。就算你作家,你也得有生活体验吧?赶紧干!”
生活体验?这世界我需要体验的生活太多了!绝对不仅仅是铲门。
我没体验过住五星级宾馆的总统套房,我没体验过坐飞机的头等舱,我没体验过占地200公顷的大别墅,我没体验过当第一夫人。
为什么非要我从铲门开始体验起呢?
唉!我那比星际还辽阔的门啊!
“门的故事”上的191条回复
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