噩 梦
送给一段遥不可及的爱情。心里明明清楚,却不愿意承认。我想我爱的只是自己的幻想。我的幻想必须要有个实物寄托。我和他,也许今生只能在网络中度过。
谁都没有将幻想化为现实的动力。
日有所思,夜有所梦。而这梦,大多是不吉利的,梦醒,觉得自己已经离爱人远去,一场无望的爱。
那个男人牵动我心底的情素多年,虽然见了面,不咸不淡地聊几句,可每每道完别,都有冲动想拉着他的手吻一吻他的掌心。
他总说,我有女朋友。
我只能说,那又如何?我没打算偷她的BOYFRIEND。其实一直伺机而动,认定总有一天他们会分离。就这样认定,都认定好几年了。他们也不结婚,只同居着,看着还满和谐。
有的人是不相信永久的,爱一天是一天。不结婚,就是不将彼此托付终生。当然即便结婚了也不意味着终生相许,后来看穿了又分手的很多。但至少曾经有那么一刻,是有了抛头颅洒热血,愿意为对方付出一切,无论贫穷或富裕,无论健康与疾病的决心。我总觉得,他们不结婚,就是连承诺都不愿意给,一个女人,从不提结婚二字,那是不相信你可以给她要的东西。
所以,我断定,他们必不能厮守终生。
我可以等。
你知道我的耐心有多长?你看过蜘蛛在角落里结丝吗?最难的是第一根线,将自己找一个支点非常悬地摇晃着颤抖着在空中摇荡,若摇摆的幅度大了,会甩向另一个支点,然后盘踞住开始织网。织网是很困难的事情,吐得累死个人,半天才几条线,织完了网生命已耗费大半。即便网成,还是要等待,等待那只笨蚊子不小心撞上来。这时候就是残余的生命与意志的较量。究竟是希望更久,还是耐力更长。
若不小心网被一个肩膀撞破,蜘蛛还要重新来过。
我就织好了我的网,等那只伤心蚊子掉进来。迟或早。不在意皱纹爬上眼角。
我笑着跟他说,我再给你五年。如果五年后,君为娶,妾未嫁,愿做使君妇。他说好。
他的回答漫不经心,想来五年对一个花季女人荼糜珍贵,他不信我能等。何况未来的事,谁也说不准。
其实,我也不信自己能空闺五年,真有合适的,傻子才等他。我等的是蚊子,只要有吃的,总比饿死强。没有规定要吃的是A蚊还B蚊。可问题是,我虽然满怀期待,过去的五年,我就是等不到一只比他更吸引我的蚊子。当然苍蝇或臭虫还是有的,我都扭过头去装做看不见,宁可饿着,做一只苗条的蜘蛛。
所以,他根本不知道,五年的光阴,说起来漫长,走起来只一瞬间。不知不觉,我的皮肤都有些皲裂了。那是衰老的表现。
前天,他说,我有不好的预感,我要倒霉了。我有心脏病的早期症状,呼吸困难,眩晕。我笑着拉他的手说,要保重龙体呀,你还欠我后半辈子呢!别前半辈子身强体壮的时候拼命透支,留给我一个跟台湾一样烂的摊子,让我与你一起的日子一直是瓶瓶罐罐。
其实,他要真瓶瓶罐罐就好了。没人要他,只我守着他,见他如孩子般依赖我,不再象现在这样想起我的时候问候一句,想不起的时候独享快乐。虽然我习惯了寂寞没人陪,但还是希望有一天,他能完完全全坐在我身边,看着我咬脆苹果,嘎吱嘎吱。那场景,想想,我就已经幸福得要晕过去了。
他跟我说,我想,有一天我会告老还乡。我最终不会留在异乡的土地上。我内心窃喜,因为我知道,他的女朋友是绝对不会跟他回到穷乡僻壤。我不怕。有爱人的地方就是我的家,哪里我都能弄得暖洋洋的。我宁可住在茅草屋里拥有他,也比现在住冷清的大屋里孤单要好。于是兴高采烈地跟他规划我们乡间的小屋,门前是菜地呀,屋后是鸡鸭。一大早我就“咯咯咯咯”地唤着猪,拿着瓢去喂饲料,完了去清扫鸡圈。狗在追猫,而老鼠在粮仓里叫。我的他,就在我亲手搭的葡萄架下乘阴凉。“你要喝鸡蛋西红柿汤,还是西红柿鸡蛋汤?”“有区别吗?”“当然,一个是先煮西红柿,一个是先打鸡蛋。”这种生活的玩笑,我会没完没了地逗他,只因为我喜欢看他的眉毛一扬。
他怀疑我下乡的决心。我懒得跟他表白,却怕他根本只是口上说说,标榜自己是个小隐隐于野的乡民,那只是他走投无路的最后一块据点。于我,我巴不得他肯早早下乡,乡间里除了我是一道风景,再没有别的女人可以入他的眼,他只好爱我到地老天荒,至少跟母猪比起来,我是美丽的。
昨夜,我做了一个梦。梦里的一切让我不敢回想。
梦里,战火纷飞,我住的屋顶滴滴答答在落雨点。而旁边的一幢小屋里,刚有两枚炮弹轰炸过,突然想起表妹在那幢屋里睡觉,发了疯一样要冲过去救她。路上泥泞,雨水混着粪水溅我一身,忍着恶心爬过炮弹炸出的大坑,将表妹从废墟里刨出来,拉她快跑。旁边有不少坏人拿着汽油弹一直乱扔,身边不时火光,还有妇女被强奸的尖嚎。
我从地上捞起一把粪水和泥巴糊在表妹身上, 听她狂吐不止,只好低声骂她,有伪装好过被人强奸吧!谁知却听她说,宁可被强奸都不愿意一身恶臭,我于是悲哀,想真正的商女啊!也好,等下真碰到坏蛋行凶,就把不介意的她贡献出去,我自己逃命去了。手里却按着她的头只顾往前跑。
跑了很久,似乎天亮了,来到一座公园门口,手扶栅栏,我猫腰喘气。
隔着栅栏,我看见他了。与他的女朋友在一起。
现实里,我从没见过他的女朋友,只见过一张照片,一个很普通的女孩。
而梦里,却分外真切,不仅头发的颜色,还有皮肤上的雀斑,还有那件灰底碎花的绒布套头衫。
那个女孩是如此干净,笑着拉他的胳膊往前跑,一副晨练的样子。
我与公园,虽然只隔一层栅栏,却是两个世界。里面,和平安宁;外面,战火炮弹。
那样羡慕公园里面的人,悠闲着溜狗,穿着滑轮鞋。
而我,一脸的肮脏,连身干净的衣服都没有。
我没有一点嫉妒,只羡慕地望着我的爱人和爱人的爱人。想,他们是正相配的,而现在,对我,最重要的是,洗个脸,吃饱饭。
梦醒,我于是醒悟,我与他之间的爱情是不平等的,我企求的是他在某日落难之后才与我发生情感。只要他顺利着,我永远只能旁观。
好吧!他顺利着,比一切都好。我就在一边静静地看。
“噩梦”上的99条回复
allergy medications prescription list prescription vs over the counter generic allergy medication list
where to buy zopiclone pills buy meloset 3 mg for sale
prednisone 20mg price generic prednisone 10mg
best medication for stomqch cramps buy cipro 500mg for sale
most effective acne pills ranked buy prednisone 10mg without prescription zinplex pills side effects
stomach pain killer tablet buy altace online cheap
accutane 20mg canada cost isotretinoin 20mg isotretinoin 20mg usa
order amoxicillin 1000mg pills amoxicillin 500mg cheap buy amoxicillin 250mg
sleep prescription online phenergan buy online
buy generic azithromycin azithromycin 500mg price order zithromax 500mg
order neurontin 600mg pills order neurontin 600mg online
buy azipro medication brand azipro 500mg buy azithromycin 250mg for sale
buy furosemide order furosemide 100mg generic
omnacortil for sale generic omnacortil 10mg buy generic prednisolone
buy amoxicillin 1000mg generic amoxicillin 1000mg oral order amoxil 250mg
buy acticlate generic vibra-tabs generic
buy allergy pills brand ventolin purchase albuterol online cheap
order augmentin pill where can i buy augmentin
buy levothyroxine for sale synthroid 100mcg brand cost levothroid
levitra where to buy buy vardenafil 20mg generic
tizanidine price tizanidine 2mg generic tizanidine online buy
brand clomiphene 50mg order clomiphene 100mg online cheap clomiphene 100mg canada
order deltasone 5mg order generic deltasone deltasone generic
order semaglutide generic rybelsus tablet buy generic semaglutide for sale
buy accutane without prescription isotretinoin tablet buy accutane 10mg generic
rybelsus over the counter oral semaglutide 14 mg cost rybelsus 14mg
buy generic amoxil amoxicillin us order generic amoxicillin 1000mg
azithromycin price zithromax uk buy azithromycin 250mg sale
augmentin ca buy generic augmentin 375mg cheap clavulanate
cheap omnacortil pill brand omnacortil 5mg prednisolone 10mg cheap
buy neurontin 100mg pill neurontin 800mg over the counter order gabapentin for sale
purchase serophene pill buy clomiphene 50mg pill buy clomid online
lasix sale buy generic lasix order lasix online
rx pharmacy online viagra purchase sildenafil for sale sildenafil 50mg usa
purchase doxycycline generic buy doxycycline paypal acticlate online buy
buy semaglutide online cheap order rybelsus 14 mg without prescription buy semaglutide for sale
slot machines free blackjack games san manuel casino online
levitra 10mg us vardenafil 10mg pills order vardenafil generic
buy lyrica pill order pregabalin pill pregabalin pills
purchase plaquenil generic buy generic hydroxychloroquine 200mg plaquenil 200mg canada
order triamcinolone 10mg online cheap purchase aristocort aristocort 10mg generic
desloratadine cost buy clarinex 5mg for sale buy generic desloratadine
tadalafil 10mg us cost cialis 10mg tadalafil 10mg generic
how to buy cenforce cenforce 100mg pill order cenforce 50mg online
buy claritin online cheap order generic loratadine 10mg loratadine usa
order chloroquine pills purchase chloroquine sale chloroquine generic
priligy drug buy generic cytotec buy cytotec online
orlistat 60mg canada where to buy orlistat without a prescription order diltiazem 180mg sale
cost glucophage 1000mg metformin 500mg over the counter generic metformin
zovirax cost buy generic acyclovir purchase allopurinol pill
buy norvasc without prescription amlodipine 10mg over the counter oral norvasc
buy rosuvastatin 10mg for sale buy generic zetia for sale buy ezetimibe
oral prinivil buy prinivil generic zestril online order
domperidone 10mg generic buy motilium tetracycline 250mg oral
buy omeprazole 20mg sale omeprazole order omeprazole 10mg cheap
flexeril online buy order flexeril 15mg online cheap cheap ozobax
buy cheap lopressor lopressor for sale lopressor online buy
buy ketorolac generic colcrys online order colcrys canada
medrol 4mg without prescription depo-medrol canada buy depo-medrol pill
buy inderal pill buy clopidogrel 75mg for sale order clopidogrel 150mg online cheap
buy methotrexate tablets methotrexate 10mg ca coumadin buy online
buy reglan 20mg generic generic maxolon buy cozaar 25mg
order mobic 15mg pill oral celebrex 200mg celebrex us
buy cheap generic nexium buy nexium 40mg pills topiramate 200mg sale
flomax 0.2mg cost flomax 0.4mg over the counter cheap celebrex
buy cheap generic imitrex levofloxacin online buy levofloxacin 250mg pill
ondansetron 4mg for sale buy zofran paypal generic spironolactone
avodart usa buy zantac paypal purchase zantac for sale
simvastatin 20mg cost valtrex for sale order valacyclovir pills
order ampicillin online order vibra-tabs pill cheap amoxicillin generic
buy finasteride 5mg pill order generic proscar 5mg fluconazole brand
cipro 500mg cost – brand keflex 500mg buy clavulanate online
buy generic cipro – how to get septra without a prescription oral clavulanate
flagyl uk – order metronidazole without prescription buy generic zithromax for sale
order ciprofloxacin pills – amoxicillin medication
cost erythromycin 500mg
buy ivermectin – buy tetracycline paypal order sumycin 500mg generic
metronidazole 400mg tablet – buy metronidazole pills buy zithromax 250mg for sale
buy generic acillin for sale buy generic amoxicillin over the counter buy amoxicillin generic
buy furosemide 40mg online cheap – prograf tablet buy cheap captopril
glucophage 500mg uk – buy lincomycin 500mg sale lincocin ca
zidovudine 300mg tablet – purchase glucophage for sale zyloprim 100mg generic
order clozapine for sale – altace 10mg usa buy pepcid 40mg generic
seroquel 100mg pill – zoloft 100mg pill eskalith where to buy
hydroxyzine 10mg usa – hydroxyzine 25mg drug endep 10mg without prescription
anafranil 50mg tablet – buy generic imipramine 75mg purchase doxepin generic
buy amoxil tablets – buy generic cefadroxil how to buy cipro
buy clavulanate pills for sale – buy ciprofloxacin generic buy ciprofloxacin 500mg without prescription
cleocin 300mg drug – order cefpodoxime 100mg online buy chloromycetin no prescription
purchase azithromycin sale – buy tetracycline 500mg pill buy ciprofloxacin pill
buy albuterol inhalator sale – purchase phenergan pill brand theophylline
buy stromectol 12mg – doxycycline medication buy cefaclor 500mg online
clarinex 5mg usa – purchase flixotide order ventolin for sale
buy medrol canada – buy azelastine buy azelastine 10ml online
buy micronase 2.5mg generic – dapagliflozin drug dapagliflozin pills
buy generic prandin – buy empagliflozin generic buy generic jardiance 25mg
metformin 1000mg drug – cozaar for sale acarbose order
oral terbinafine 250mg – cheap grifulvin v purchase griseofulvin for sale
purchase semaglutide sale – glucovance uk desmopressin cost
order nizoral online – sporanox 100 mg generic order sporanox 100mg online