东海仙子：冰花诗一首英译（是我错了）

是我错了


It’s My fault

BY Rose Lu(Binghua)  Tr. East Sea Fairy

信笺上
There aren’t blurring tears
没有泪水的模糊
Nor hesitating tones
没有笔调的踯躇
On the writing paper
字里行间全是我的错误
Just my fault between all the lines.

是我错了
It’s my fault
你三言两语的热情
Your passion in a few words
引出了少女的春涌
Inspired the frail’s tiding love
你两纸一信的拒绝
But you mailed a two-page letter
勾销了多年的痴情
To write off my craze for you for so many years

是我错了
It’s my fault
一朵洁白的花朵儿
A pure white flower
任你牙缝里挤出的阴风将它吹黄
Let you squeeze out an icy wind from between your teeth to blow it yellow
一只欢悦的夜鸽
And a happy night pigeon
让你嘴角的蔑笑将它止息
Let the scornful smile at the corner of your mouth still it

你姗姗而来的自责信
After my sharp pains
在我锋痛之后
Your slow self-accusing letter
除了内疚　还不惜字墨
comes, sparing no ink and words, except compunction
把我夸得高高
To heap praises on me
想在剧终　包装你的形象
Do you want to package your image at the end
还是求得宽恕
Or do you want to seek for forgiveness
和鲁莽人的直率比
Comparing to the frankness of the muddle-headed
不喜欢斯文人的躲闪
I dislike the evasion of scholars

是我错了
It’s my fault
我是赤道的热风
I’m a hot wind from the equator
你是北极的冷雪
But you are an icy snow from the pole
一个恒热
One is ever hot
一个恒冷
But the other is ever cold

忙碌的人生
I live busily to
吸收氧气
Breathe in oxygen
呼出二氧化碳
And breathe out carbon dioxide
呼吸不停
Without stop
心不会变凉
So that my heart won’t cool down.

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_3f4024480102e9g9.html

It’s My fault


BY Rose Lu(Binghua)  Tr. East Sea Fairy


There aren’t blurring tears
Nor hesitating tones
On the writing paper
Just my fault between all the lines.

It’s my fault
Your passion in a few words
Inspired the frail’s tiding love
But you mailed a two-page letter
To write off my craze for you for so many years

It’s my fault
A pure white flower
Let you squeeze out an icy wind from between your teeth to blow it yellow
And a happy night pigeon
Let the scornful smile at the corner of your mouth still it

After my sharp pains
Your slow self-accusing letter
comes, sparing no ink and words, except compunction
To heap praises on me
Do you want to package your image at the end
Or do you want to seek for forgiveness
Comparing to the frankness of the muddle-headed
I dislike the evasion of scholars

It’s my fault
I’m a hot wind from the equator
But you are an icy snow from the pole
One is ever hot
But the other is ever cold

I live busily to
Breathe in oxygen
And breathe out carbon dioxide
Without stop
So that my heart won’t cool down.

谁都没有错。
因为一个恒热，一个恒冷。
本质不同而已……
非常喜欢这首诗

这首诗，换了我，可能会砍掉这几句：
还是求得宽恕
和鲁莽人的直率比
不喜欢斯文人的躲闪

还有最后这段有点多余：
忙碌的人生
吸收氧气
呼出二氧化碳
呼吸不停
心不会变凉

个人愚见，希望不要介意

多谢雨中的鸟！     

你说的很对，这是当时的心情描述。


现在看，你提到的那中间几句，是不要也可，不要更有共性。这几句太特性了和特指了。


最后几句，也是跳跃太大，是作者的自我感悟。也有些局限。

你的见解真的很好！赞！